The one thing I tell single women with children all the time, is that children need love and attention, not materialistic things. Pretty much all of my friends have kids. I’m like “the last of the mohicans”, because I am childless. So when I make respectful suggestions. I’m told “I don’t have kids, so I don’t know what I’m talking about”. One does not have to have a child to know what a child needs. I may not be a mother but I am an Aunt, and I can tell that when a child is acting up, it’s usually because they are being deprived of love and attention.
A woman I know, whenever her child wakes up and she feeds her, she sits her in front of the TV or sends her to play with her toys. She feels that if she distracts her, she can do whatever, she wants to do regardless of what it is. I’ve been around this woman and trust me what she is doing, is really not that important. Clipping coupons and searching for your next vacation or a sale at khols, is not more important than attending to your own child.
One day her child was acting up and she said to me “oh she just wants attention, she’s being a baby, (at the time she was 3) I tried to put her to sleep but she won’t go to sleep” so she told her daughter to play with her toys. She didn’t want to play with her toys. She sat her in the high chair in front of the tv and she still wanted to get out. I observed this child desperately pleading for her mothers attention. So she asked me to watch her while she went to go pick up her mail.
I took the child out of the high chair and held her. Immediately she fell asleep. When she came back up and saw she was sleeping. She asked me what did I do and I said, your daughter just wanted to be held. She took her from my arms and put her down. I asked her, how do you put her bed? She told me how and I said that method is not effective. The way I used to put my niece to sleep is I held her. Babies need to hear your heartbeat, they need to be in your arms, they need to feel safe and nurtured, then you slowly put them down. Laying down with your child and pretending to be sleep is not going to work. They need to be held.
I said when she’s sleepy or wants attention you can’t keep putting her in front of the tv or to play with her toys. The child is 3, she’s still a baby, she wants her mother to hold her. She wants you, not things. I asked her, who gave her things when she was a child and she said her mother, but they were poor and she wants to give her child the life she never had but in doing that. She’s depriving her child of the vital life source which we all need, whether you’re a baby (or an adult), which is love.
We need love like we need God, oxygen, water, music, food. Without it ones spirit can die. When a child (or even an adult) doesn’t feel loved or does not received the attention, that they need and deserve they act out. If they are not getting it from you, they will get it from someone else. I see so many single mothers turn to buying their kids things, instead of spending time with them. Some of them compensate because their father is not in their life. This is very detrimental when it comes to young girls, because they associate things with love and this is why these young women, expect things when they meet a man and end up in a relationship.
I feel blessed to have had a mom, that when she was alive, she spent time with me. We did things together even if we didn’t go anywhere. My mom read to me as a child. I felt her presence and her love. My mom never really bought me things, besides music, books, and writing material and it’s the reason why I’m not materialistic and so simple. I worked for what I wanted and earned it. I was never put in front of the television. And that’s the reason why I don’t really watch tv either. Kids today watch to much TV. It’s like the TV is raising them instead of their own parents.
I know that I am not a mother yet, but certain thing are just innate and common sense. When my niece was born, I always read to her, played music, gave her a book, not a toy or a doll, because I never had one. I cooked for her. I attended to her needs when her own mother did not. I instilled in her discipline at a very young age. I did what my mom did for me. It’s the reason why my niece loves what I love and she’s simple. Mothers today are afraid to discipline. But children need tough love. They can’t have things handed to them whenever they want or when their mother wants them to be quiet and go away.
Every time I get any of my friends children to do something, whether it’s to clean or cook. It’s because I take time to spend with them. It’s my approach. I don’t yell at them or threaten them. I also don’t give them a choice either. I’m the adult here. There is a no negotiating when it comes to cleaning your room and doing your homework. Children need discipline. I also make it fun for them. The same way my mother did with me. My niece and nephew use to love cleaning my apartment when they were little, lol. They even asked to do so and people looked at me like I was crazy.
They enjoyed cleaning, because I would put on their favorite music and we would have fun. Kids are not messy and don’t want to do things, they are taught not to do things and not to care. The women that I know that don’t take pride in cooking or having their home in order, it’s because their mother never instilled it in them to do so, because their own mothers don’t care to, so they don’t do it for their own child. One woman I know refuses to discipline her children or have her home in order. She doesn’t want to be the bad guy, she wants to be their friend and because their father is not in their life.
This is so detrimental to ones upbringing, because these children are going to be adults one day and on their own. Children pay attention to ones actions, not all the time what you say. When children witness their mother not being disciplined and telling them to clean but they don’t, guess what, they’re not going too either. An example needs to be set. When you discipline your child it’s showing love not the opposite. Letting a child do whatever they want and buying them things, is not love.
Children need to bond. Children need simple things in life, not materialistic things. Why do you think kids or adults who have money or whatever they want, they are never satisfied and they are unhappy. Yes money can make your life a bit easier, but it isn’t everything. The answer is love and attention. Money can’t give you attention, it can’t talk to you. At the end of the day, a child needs to feel the love of their loved ones. They need to make a connection
They need presence not presents.