Ok here we go again….I receive a lot of responses from men, wanting to know why is it, so hard for their woman to support them and to stand by them. They feel they have no voice and that they can’t not speak about this, because god forbid they will sound needy and not like a man. Or if you’re married “happy wife, happy life”
What about the man being happy too? Do their needs and emotions not count? Men feel that it’s all about keeping the woman happy, and if they upset their significant other, they may be in the dog house or not get any love making or even worse, the woman may threaten him with ultimatums, divorce and take half of everything. Lets be honest, this needs to stop!
Let’s have a conversation about this…
Let me tell you a brief story about a friend of mine, that got married 3 times. The theme that followed all of these women he made his wife, is that they all had one thing in common. They did not support him. I found this out when he sent me some of his music and I asked him, what does your wife think about it? I could tell he really did not want to answer the question, by the reluctance in his voice. His answer was “she don’t really like the music I make”.
I said excuse me?! What do you mean she doesn’t like the music you make? Say what now!. I said this is the third woman, you married that doesn’t support you and your music. I had to be honest with him. I said why you keep marrying these women, that don’t support you and want you to change your life for them? There was silence…..Now this doesn’t apply to all women, so don’t come for me with a hatchet, LOL but why is it that when a woman marries a man, or he becomes her boyfriend, it’s like ok put me first in everything!! That is the worst thing anyone can do, is to put someone else before themselves all the time.
I know women like this. They try to change a man, as soon as they get what they want and they have this holier than thou attitude just because they are a woman. You have to be good and happy first, before you can be good for/with anybody else. Being with someone doesn’t mean supressing who you are and things you enjoy doing. If you find yourself in this situation with anyone, run like hell…that is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
The people in our lives, no matter who they are, should believe and support us. I remember when my friend invited me to a few of his shows, I showed up at every one and I asked, where is your wife? She never came. The look in his eyes, I know that crushed him. They eventually winded up divorcing. I knew exactly how that felt. Some times the person we love the most, when they don’t support us, they can hold us back. We all want love and to give love, but at what price? Is that other person really worth it? For the cost of our dreams? I think not!
My ex, never came to see me perform, not sure what he had against salsa dancing or the ballroom, but I was pretty much at everyone one of his basketball games and filmed it too, that’s because I love basketball. I thought he could actually make it in the NBA, that’t how good he was and I always told him that. But I stopped going to his games. I had to. I realized he never took an interest in anything that I was passionate about. Not even when it came to my writings or my cooking. Just the mere mention of me wanting to do something with my cooking. He would say “there’s no future in being a chef. They work long hours, chefs are never home”. Why the negativity in a career you know nothing about??
By him saying that, what he was really saying was, “I want you home and here for me. Your ambition and willingness to succeed is a threat to me as a man”. He would simply eat my food and not say anything about it. No compliments…. Nothing. Everyone I know loooooooves my food. But the one person I shared my life with, couldn’t even support me. At one point he never ate my food. I would make a new dish and he would decline to eat it. What man declines a home cooked meal?! #FOOL #DUMBASS. It took him years to eat my food. I would ask him how’d you like it? And he would say “oh it was good”, but with no enthusiasm at all.
He act like my food was fast food (which was something he at a lot of). I realized that he was indirectly letting me know that, no man or anyone was going to enjoy my food, or that I wasn’t good enough to get paid for my cooking. When I started catering for people, that’s when he tried to say something nice. When I got rid of him, that’s when he realized I was a great cook. That’s when he wanted to show his support, but by then it was to late. Isn’t it funny that ex’s do that? Realize who they had after the relationship is over. When someone doesn’t support you, they are pretty much telling you, that your dreams and interest don’t matter. That they don’t believe in you at all. This can crush your spirit, even if you’re not aware of it.
When a woman doesn’t support her man, or doesn’t care for anything that interest him. This is telling him that he doesn’t matter and that what he enjoys, is inconsequential. This is a blow to a man’s ego. No matter how much a man believes in himself and wants to be macho. He needs the support of his woman, to give him that push when he feels he’s losing faith. He needs you to bring him some sunshine when his days are foggy. A man wants to excel at whatever it is, he enjoys and loves doing and he needs to know that you are rooting for him. That you love him and want to see him succeed.
Not for you to make him feel inadequate. If this is something that he plans on making a living at, to make a better life for the two of you and eventually have a family. He needs to know that you are by his side. It doesn’t matter if his friends or family believe in him. The woman that he’s intimate with, that he comes home to, her support means so much more. So what if doesn’t have anything to do with you. Just by you showing an interest in his life, he feels like he can fly over the moon.. Hmmmm reminds me of A TROOP song, LOL Anyway. No pun intended.
We all remember the movie “Brown Sugar” Where Sidney (Sanaa) Believe in Dre (Taye) They were friends, she gave him the money to start his own record label, but his wife (Reese) played by Nicole Ari Parker, didn’t believe in him at all. He ended up separating from Reese and ended up with Sidney, who supported and always believed in him. Sidney’s, Fiance Played by Boris Kodjoe, never even read any of her articles she wrote, but Dre read every single one.
Dre loved music and Sidney was a writer. Both creative people, both artist so they understood each other. They had each others full support. This made them both think they could accomplish anything. I personally think that a man should make sure, that the woman he plans to date and eventually, call his lady or his wife on day, should have some of the same interest and not just look good. Some men get blinded by a woman’s beauty and that’s all they see, but eventually that fades and he needs more sustenance on relationship level.
We all need this male or female. The next man I end up with, has to be an extreme FANATIC when it comes to music (or anything creative), because I’m an avid music lover and he needs to support that. He has to have a love for cooking or at least be willing to learn. I’m not compromising on that, like in my previous relationship. So you men shouldn’t compromise on your dreams and interest either. Men have a hard enough time, just being a man and providing and finding their own way, they need their woman to believe and love them when they are losing faith, especially in creative fields where there is constant rejection and criticism.
If a woman would just show her man some support, and most of all her love. That can be all he needs to see his dreams comes to fruition :). So ladies if you have a good man in your life, show him some love and support. It’s not all about you and what you want. Your man is a human being not an ATM machine and not someone to be at your every becking call or need. Please don’t try to change him. If he loves you enough he will make the necessary changes to be a better man for himself and for you 🙂