I called an old colleague friend of mine for a reference and he asked me how I was. I automatically answered fine, because I really don’t like to talk about my emotions with men. That’s not what I called for. Venting to men or letting them know what I’m going through, that’s a tricky one.
The response is not always positive. I know from the past, some men don’t like to hear about a woman’s emotions or what they are going through. I asked about the wife and kids, tried to get the attention off of me. As jovial as I tried to sound, he could tell by the sound in my voice that I was not ok and I wasn’t.
Then he said to me, “I’ve known you for almost 17 years, I know we don’t speak often but whats wrong?” I voiced my concern over something, then I got silent. No words came out of my mouth. He knew I was crying and he just said my name and said “I’m here..I’m here”… Although miles away I didn’t feel alone…He didn’t tell me “suck it up, be strong, no man wants to hear a woman cry”..he just let me have my little moment.
Maybe because he’s a cancer like me, LOL. We’re just very sensitive to the needs of others. We’ll cry with you and take on your pain. In 17 years he’s never heard me cry. No one ever sees or hears me cry and I hate to show that emotion to men, because they judge me for it or they abandon me. Why I don’t know. So yes it has made me not trust men, with my emotions and for me not to trust them to be there for me.
Every now and then, I shed a tear or two, I’ll stop myself from crying but sometimes, life can be so overwhelming and the tears just came streaming down my face. On top of that, I’ve been dealing with so much. I did my best to keep it in, but I would be lying to God, to myself and him, if I said I was fine knowing I wasn’t.
Sometimes we just need someone to listen. To give us a piece of their heart and not a piece of their mind. We need for them not to make it about them and to focus for a minute on us. I can not tell you the many times, I’m talking to someone about something and they make it about themselves and it has absolutely nothing to do with them at all.
It doesn’t matter if it’s been years since you’ve talked to someone, life gets busy but when you have real, true friendship. It can make those tough times a little easier to deal with. Just getting that out made me feel a lot better. I know it’s not going to change anything. I didn’t feel judged. I didn’t feel like I was a weak woman or that something was wrong with me, because I felt vulnerable in that moment.
Our vulnerabilities is what makes us human. I know that I need people in my life who accept me for me and all of me. Every now and then, men do or say something that surprises me and I think to myself, it would be nice to have a selfless man like that in my life. Who listens to me and who holds me and who is there for me and doesn’t abandon my emotions or get me to suppress my own, because he doesn’t want to listen or deal with it.
I’m pretty sure God will bless me with a loving man like that one day 🙂