We all have to learn from our mistakes and others mistakes in order to grow.
Running from what we don’t want to deal with is detrimental on so many levels especially on one’s spirit. This past week, God called my sister home. Everyone keeps asking what happen?? What lead to her being like this? It’s never easy losing a loved one. The only reason why I have not gone crazy, is because I had to deal with my mothers transcendence, at such a young age and now my sister.
I understand death no matter how painfully it is to miss someones physical presence. Theres no need for me to scream. Or to get my body out of sync. Others grieve loudly while others grieve silently. It’s neither right or wrong. It’s just how one deals with their own emotions.
What hurts me the most about my sister’s passing is that she was 40 years young. That she didn’t get a chance to fully enjoy living. I wish that she loved herself more and got help to heal the wounds of the past. I wish she was surrounded by the right people. I wish that she did not give up on herself and her life.
I wish she knew how strong she was and didn’t care about others opinions, to be the blue print of her life. I wished that she knew God loved her and that with him, all things are possible. I wished that she knew that she was loved. I wished that she did not lean on her own understand, about what life and love is. I wish this disease did not take her life.
Pain on some level when emotions are suppressed manifest as Dis-ease. Mentally, physically and spiritually. It’s a sign on so many levels that something is wrong.
No matter how much we love someones, we can not live their life for them. We can love them so hard and do our best to be there, but in the end its up them to truly live their own life. I wish my family didn’t grow up the way that we did and maybe things would have turned out different. Maybe my mom and my sister and all the other women that passed away in my family would have been here.
But that’s not up for me to decide. Life and death is in Gods hands.
When someones we love passes away, we do our best to remember the good times and try to omit the bad. Truth is, it’s not easy especially when the bad outweighs the good. Truth is when my mom passed it took me years to remember the good times, because all I knew of her, was pain and suffering, that if a bad flashback entered my head, I quickly had to think of something good, just to overshadow it and keep focus.
It would happen out of nowhere. Memories that were suppressed, that I simply did not want to remember but I had to. Only when I began to embrace my past, my childhood, is when the real healing began. I wanted to stop hurting. I wanted God to take away the pain and the only way, to make it go away was to make peace with it.
“Feel, Deal, Heal” Iyanla Vanzant
In order for me to learn the lessons, that God wanted me to learn, I had to feel the pain, I had to deal with it, in order to heal it. It took me some time, but the only way to grow and to get out, from being stuck in a time warp, so I could move forward, I had to forgive for my own sanity… I had to be willing to do the work. Which a lot of people are not willing to do.
Everything that happened was not my fault. There’s nothing I could have done to change anything. I was a child. I was not a savior. As a 6 year child, everyone looked to my brain to rationalized everything, to make everything better. That kind of adult pressure, I should have never been given the torch. So when I got older, things never changed.
The people in my life still looked to me as a source of strength. They looked for me to carry them, when they were older than me and should have known better. This drained me. This made me feel abandoned that I could not find one adult to care for me and to love me and guide me.
Being called the smart one and strong one, would later backfire on me, on so many levels especially in my adult life and relationships. People felt they didn’t have to do for me at all. They felt reciprocity was not needed because I had ENOUGH to carry the relationship. I was a breath of fresh air to them.
Men still to this day look for me to be their mother instead of anything else. They don’t plan on taking care of me, they want to wait and see what I do for them first. It’s the reason why I am single. They look for my qualities not to complement them but to have an easy life with complacency.
I realized everything I’ve experienced, was so that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes, when others fell right into it. In order for me to Feel, Deal and Heal, I had to leave every thing and everyone behind, lose everything to gain myself. Start over. Get others thoughts out of my head. I was a wanted woman but it was not a positive thing.
After the storm, the sun shined brighter. I know longer had to force good memories. Everything in life really does happen for a reason. Everything in my life has made me a stronger woman. If you can deal with losing someone, especially a parent. You can get through anything in life, because death is a real as it gets. There’s no coming back from that.
I sometimes wonder why me GOD? Why do I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, so much so to the point where it drains me. But I think I already know the answer to that. I know everything that happened in my life, I was chosen to help others. God gave me a brain to use it and I’ve always have. But it was the holy spirit talking to me.
Life happens to everyone and certain things are just not fair but it’s necessary, there’s a lesson to be learned. Everything that happens is to prepare you for your destiny. To where you need to be in life. To make you a stronger person because when you know better, you do better.
When one reflects on their past and tells their story, it’s not to dwell there, but to learn a lesson and to use it as an example. We all have a past, that needs to be embraced so that we can help others heal, learn and embraced their past. Because if they don’t, they’ll never move forward in life. They’ll never realize their full potential. They’ll never fully live, they’ll be merely just existing.