A family friend was asking me about love and relationships. In the middle of the conversation, I was asked why don’t I follow my own advice? When I was giving this advice, I was so happy for the other person, trying to lift their spirits. I think I excel at making others feel good, even when I’m not trying.
I wanted this person to be happy, because I honestly believe that it’s possible, for people to be happy and to have the life and love that they want. I thought about what was said to me and in that moment, I wanted the spotlight to be taken off of me.
I was told that I have a beautiful heart and spirit. That I’m kind and passionate. That I’m thoughtful and consistent. It was nice to hear those words. I was told that any man should be lucky to have me and that I shouldn’t have to be alone.
Well I don’t believe in luck, I believe two people can be blessed to have one another. As the conversation went on, I was told, how I don’t believe I can have the same thing. That the advice I give I should believe it too…
Truth is, at times, my emotions fluctuate when it comes to love and relationships. The last guy I was talking to, it took me a long time to open myself up again. I knew there was a chance that my heart would get broken. It’s the story of my life. I feel like I have to fight to maintain a friendship with a guy.
We became friends, got close and things will never be the same. Everything about our relationship and communication has changed. I’m met with silence and I don’t know why. I find myself longing to go back to the way things were before I got here. I wonder why the men I meet, why the morning, after noon and night calls have to stop.
I hate feeling like I’m an option. I hate when men ghost on me. I’m that woman who a man wants to commit to later on in life when he’s done playing around. A few men admitted to me. I’m “wife material”, that I’m too much but not in a bad way. The don’t want to put in the emotional security.
I wonder why when I communicate, there’s no acknowledgement and it’s all done on purpose. I wonder if other people have to deal with the same thing, I deal with over and over with men. I find myself longing to go back to my 20s when love was easy. I can’t stand text/email and social media at times.
It gives people another way to avoid picking up the phone and having a real conversation. I wonder why men spite me. It seems like when an attraction rears its head, that’s when things get complicated and I just want to get back to that place of laughter and being able to talk about anything, without thinking about the future and sex.
Truth is no one owes any body an explanation. It’s easier to avoid talking and confrontation, so the easiest thing to do is walk away and leave the person on a cliff hanger. Simply because you don’t want to deal.
I wish I could have the type of love I hear in my music, but the reality is, I don’t think any man can give me that. They say they can, but they don’t and they don’t even try. I wonder where is the romance. Where is the expressing of deep emotions. I should know and feel love, even when I’m apart from someone. But all I feel is the opposite.
I don’t take my own advice because It’s hard to maintain an emotional connection with a guy without, there wanting to be more so quick. If a guy wants more, they have every right to walk away, but at least say something, especially if we’re friends but I’m living in a fantasy land to think that the advice I give others, I can have.
People say there’s someone for everyone but to be honest, I don’t believe that at times. I see others being happy and having someone who cares enough to call. I wonder how can a man use the word love but don’t show it but expect you to feel it and know. If you love someone, how do you go weeks without talking or months without seeing them.
So no, I don’t want to bother with taking my own advice because I’m tired of the same thing happening, over and over again. I wonder if I’m all of these great things, why am I being treated the total opposite. Of course I want love and I can make room for it, but not when it gives me anxiety and I have to second guess contacting someone.
I just feel it’s time to shut the door on my heart. Because being open to love has got me nowhere and I’m tired of it. I don’t have the energy to try anymore. I’m tired of every man claiming they are different and they turn around and do the same thing the last guy did. Especially abandoning me when I’m going through something.
Men are turning me off right about now and I don’t have the patience to deal with their inconsistency… If they want to show and act like they don’t care and take my loyalty for granted then it can be taken away..it won’t matter anyway because I’m sure there is already somebody else in the picture. So there is no loss.