I Can Admit, I Don’t Get It But I’m Trying

I was talking to my niece today and we were talking about relationships. I gotta say this young woman is very wise. She kept trying to explain to me, that it’s hard for men to be friends with a woman who is attractive and has a nice personality. She told me it was torture for them.

This is not the first time she said this to me. She just kept saying Auntie, it’s not your fault. She was being funny. She said you can’t help it, if men find you attractive and you have a nice personality and it’s hard to find that in a woman. My niece has the same problem.

She just kept asking me do I understand. And I just kept saying, no not really but I’m trying. I just don’t think it’s that serious. I just don’t understand why every guy I meet after one day, it’s like they’re ready to lock me down. They want to hurry up and get to the center of the Tootsie pop, no sucking just straight biting into it, lol.

She told me, if you was ugly (lol its just the way she said it) then of course, you can have all the male friends you want. But you’re not ugly, your wife material and that’s not a bad thing and that’s what men are looking for. I know it’s not a bad thing to be looked at as wife material, but men are already at the altar and we just went out on one date or no date at all.

I’m trying my best to understand, I really am. But something is not kicking in. I even had a guy ask me if I’m asexual. It’s not that it’s just that, I can be around an attractive person and feel nothing. I’ll start to feel something once I get to know you. If I even want to get to know you. Sex is not the first thing that pops up in my brain.

It sucks when you meet someone, have a great time and they refuse to talk to you or be around you. They refuse to let you in just as a friend. I thought this time, it would be different. This guy said all this stuff. Told him I was relocating, I get here and its like oh shit, you’re here. Told me he was different and the man acts like I’m kryptonite. I’m like damn, you too?!, lol.

Every time I try to talk to him, find out simple things. Nothing. But if I talk about sex, I’ll get a response real quick. Who wants to deal with that. Thats not real. That’s playing games. I’ll never know if any of the guys I’ve met, could it have been more, because they are always rushing, they always leave after one day and when they realize they can’t hit it quick. So they are out the door.

A dodge bullet right!!! Yes….

I’ve met ‘famous’ people and yeah I can see that they are good-looking, but I’m not going to drop my panties, just because every other woman has. It’s not that serious to me. It takes me a minute to be really attracted to someone. You gotta have great music taste, be creative. Passionate. express your emotions. Be in-depth, consistent. I gotta be attracted to your mind and spirit.

I’ve always been like this. I just value friendship first and I take my time. I understand men don’t want to wait. Well that’s not my problem. I need a strong mental and emotional connection before I can be intimate with someone. I just have not come across that yet. Affection and intimacy is very important in a relationship, on a spiritual level and I need it to mean something.

Because once you enter a woman, everything that you are, enters her soul during intercourse. Some people only think about sex, on a physical level but not on an ethereal level. My body is not a dumping ground because you need a release. I remember watching the Tyra show and this woman had a dream about her S.O. cheating, every time they had sex and it turned out to be true.

No she did not go through his things. We all have intuition but energy is everything. I’ve had the same experience. I kept having nightmares and they were true. My soul was pure but his was corrupted. This man was in my space, his energy and everything and I picked up on it. After we were intimate, I felt sick. I kept getting headaches. I didn’t feel pleasure, I felt pain.

That was a sign that he was doing something, with someone and then he put all his lies inside of me. I tried to ignore it but something was off. It got to the point where as soon as he would touch me, I felt sick. I couldn’t continue. I paid attention to it. I wasn’t hallucinating. The man had a family behind my back.

Sorry but me looking at someone and wanting to jump their bones is out of the question. I know what I want and when it arrives, I will know in my spirit that this is the one. When it’s love there will be no confusion. When it’s love, I will be shown. I’m not looking for perfect. I’m looking for real, consistency and honesty.

I’m really trying to understand, why men can’t be around me (or any woman) for to long. They simply can’t. When they want something they want it. I guess for me, I’m not impressed with someones looks or status, their money or cars. Those things can be taken away. I want to know whats in your heart and what you are about you on a soul level. I want us to be friends and build on that.

To some it’s all or nothing. It shouldn’t be. Maybe because I know the true meaning and nature of friendship and others don’t. When I say I’m a friend, it’s in my actions. In my love and support. Men tell me all the time, they never had a female friend. Thats because they are not trying to be a real friend. That’s why their relationship is not lasting long. It was based on sex and other selfish things.

I can be friends with a guy, even if I find him attractive. It’s not torture for me. I don’t have to have him. I’m not going to stop talking to him because I can’t be with him. Thats very shallow. Why would I miss out on an opportunity to learn from someone? I know that this person didn’t just stumble upon my life out of nowhere.

God placed them along my journey for a reason and I’m going to find out why. Whether they are here to change my life, or I’m suppose to change theirs. Either way, I’m the main character and God is the author. They are part of the story however short or long they stay. So I’m grateful. I guess I’m just one of those rare women and that’s A Ok with me :).


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