That’s when you have to do constant spell checks and make sure your work is in draft mode before you hit save 😉. When I was much younger, I used to carry my journal everywhere with me. I was 11 and people use to always ask me, what am I writing.
As an adult I must have my pen and paper, laptop or iPad with me. I never know when God will speak to me. I’ve shared before that when my mom passed. I lost my passion for writing. I tried off and on until I was 16 but couldn’t. I even lost my passion to sing. I was 19 the last time I was in the studio. Music helps you discover who you are. The instruments, the lyrics, the music, it’s all connected.
Something that I enjoyed so much made me feel empty. My words were always being twisted even when they were positive. When it comes to being a person who is creative, who feels and who’s empathic. It gets to be overwhelming. I share my thoughts as they come to me. Sometimes I ask myself should I say this and that. There’s a debate going on in my head.
Theres always a debate going on with God when there shouldn’t be. I consult with God on a daily basis about everything. When I try to let something go or act like it doesn’t bother me, that’s when the holy spirit steps in says to me, “no no no, express yourself. You have been quiet far to long. Your feelings matter. There is someone out there who needs to hear what you are saying. You may not feel it’s important but it may help someone else.”
Thats when I surrender and obey. I’m like ok God, what do you want me to do? In stillness the answers come to me. Once I start typing, the writers ghost takes over. I’m free….I feel transcended once my fingers hit the keyboard. Then I ask myself what am I afraid of? Nothing. My thing is I’m just careful with my words. I’m careful of the energy I put out.
The only reason for my hesitation at times is because, of other voices in my head from people who don’t know how to communicate with me when I ask them questions. When people don’t give you answers, it makes you feel like your feelings don’t matter. Over time you become quiet because you feel as if no one cares. You start to think, am I being emotional?
Someones ability to be emotional unavailability, starts to rub off on you. You don’t even know it’s happening. I notice that whenever I express myself to a man and I ask questions, that they don’t want to answer. It’s strange how I’m looked at as a negative person. I also know that men may act dumb, but they are not stupid and they will find endless ways to avoid communication.
I feel like the only time a man will be honest with me about his feelings, is when hes’ away from me, in email or in a text, but I can’t hear him and his emotional tone. Also it’s because he’s expecting them to be returned and because he wants something out of it. No friendship or relationship can evolve with one person staying silent 99% of the time.
A man once said to me a few years ago, “I like texting, that way if I don’t have anything to say, I can just put down the phone.” I had no clue this guy liked me. When we spoke over the phone, he said to me, “talking about my feelings, I don’t do this. This is not me.” He sounded frustrated that he had to express himself because I wanted answers.
I said to myself, damn, how does someone who writes poetry and sings, can’t communicate with other human beings. We never spoke again.When men have to explain themselves and their behavior, it can be to much for them, especially when they only want one thing. And especially when they realize that they can’t run game on a woman.
In that moment, thats when I realize some people are not their art and who they claim to be. They can turn it off once they come out the booth. It’s just a mask they wear. Lately this has been happening a lot to me. This is why I don’t like to text a guy. If they don’t want to answer anything, they can just end the conversation and that’s that. And leave you hanging for weeks or months.
I don’t like when people talk at me instead of to me. I don’t like small talk and being indirect. Some times I feel I have a better conversation with a 6-year-old, then these grown ass men. I don’t like when I finally do hear from someone, they act like, they never got my email or text and they just completely ignore, how I took time out of my life to express myself.
I think its inconsiderate but what can I expect, when I see that this was a pattern that I refuse to see. It didn’t just start today. All of this holding back has been going on for quite sometime, in their life. Maya Angelou said “When a person shows you who they are, believe them.” I learn that a person who refuses to acknowledge how I feel, if I was to be with a person like that.
They will neglect every other part of me and our relationship. Relationships of any kind break down when there’s a lack of communication. When someone checks out. I know for me, I need a man who feels. Who’s emotionally available and will not shut me down, because I don’t like something he said or something that he’s doing.
I wonder why men look for me to be a certain way, but they don’t want to give the same in return. I know that you shouldn’t ask of something, that you are not yourself or wiling to give. Men use the word love, but have no idea how to back it up. When you love someone you communicate. You pick up the phone or see that person.
No matter how random my thoughts are, it’s what I feel and just by the responses I get, I know that I am not alone and that my words have helped someone in some way. The things I go through there are others frustrated by the same thing, both men and women. Theres are others trying to find clarity, so they don’t feel like they are going crazy.
People seek solace knowing they are not alone and someone gets them. Their words and emotions are not stuck in prison. I watched the deadly effects of what can happen when you suppress your thoughts. The effect it has on your mind, body and soul from trapped emotions. The mental illness that it brings, simply because one cannot express themselves or they don’t feel safe and feel like a burden.
We all need someone to talk to after we bring our thoughts to God. As humans we need each other. There are times when I meet people and they just tell me their life story. God placed me in their presence and path for a reason, even in the online community. As much I get drained, its my duty to reach out and help another soul and in return it helps and feeds my spirit.
There are times when I reach out to people and they ask me over and over, how did I know? They think I spoke to someone or that I’m psychic or something. Sometimes I don’t even know, where it came from or all the details, I just know the holy spirit moved me to say what I said and to do what I did and I just trust and follow.
We all have a sixth sense, our third eye. Our intuition that connects us to the holy spirit at any given time, but in order to hear it. We must be still and quiet our mind. In stillness and by surrendering we can be led by the holy spirit. And in stillness we will know what to do.