I Don’t Have The Strength To Love Right Now, But Maybe One Day I Will

I’m one of those people who if you called me at 2 am crying, needing support. I can give you the best advice and encourage you with love and just listen to you. But where is my 2 am? Where is that person who can just hold me in the middle of the night and just let me listen to his heart beat until I fall asleep.

Where is the feeling of being safe. Where is the security at? I was sitting here just talking to God, asking the holy spirit questions and it became very clear to me. That in this moment in time in my life. I don’t have the strength to love, but maybe one day I will.

What I’m about to say is just my truth from my experiences. I’m not racist because I’m a woman of color. A lot of people are afraid to talk about certain issues but when we don’t talk about it. that’s when it because an epidemic. Thats when it doesn’t go away. We can’t keep sweeping things under the rug.

When it comes to dating certain black men. I’m exhausted. It’s a shame that I don’t feel safe with black men. It’s a shame that every black guy that claims to love me or feel something for me. Hurts me starting with my father. I realize that the black men I meet and the man whose DNA runs through my blood.

All want to possess me. All want to hold me back. The black men that I know, have emotional issues. They’re egotistical narcissist and I don’t feel safe in the presence of a black man anymore. Especially if they take a liking to me. I can’t fix a man, let alone a black man nor am I trying to.

I can’t make up for what they didn’t get from their mother as a child or the previous women in their life. Which was to be nurtured, loved, and supported. I keep hearing from black men that it’s hard to find a good black woman. I keep hearing all the issues they have with their own women.

Well you know what??……. I’m tired of the same issues with black men. Every black man who I meet that didn’t get his needs fulfilled in his last relationship, tries to play catch up with me. I’m tired of black men trying to trap me. Every time a black guy talks to me, what he wants is all about him.

I’m tired of the manipulation. I’m tired of when they don’t get what they want, the monster comes out of them. I’m tired of black men trying to intimidate me in some way. Every time I stand up for myself. I’m a threat to their masculinity in some way. The more I show genuine support to a black guy, or I’m just nice to a black guy or compliment them.

Next thing you know my life is being planned out. I realized black men don’t want a good woman like me. They just want to desire me and possess me, and use me to boost their ego. The more loyal I am with just being myself. the less respect I get. Every time I talk to a black guy there is a hidden agenda.

I can’t just have a conversation just to have a conversation, it has to lead to something. They have to play the devils advocate. The guy on the other end of the phone is collecting info on whether or not I would be the perfect wife or mother and I don’t even know this guy from a can of paint and we are not even dating.

I know at times I’m oblivious that men are even looking at me that way. Trying to genuinely love a black man is exhausting. Every time I think I’ve met a nice guy, a gentlemen, he turns out to be a possessive asshole. I hate the fact that I fear black men, but they don’t show me any love or respect 95% of the time.

I’m tired of black men disrespecting me, from trying to harm me physically, verbally, violating me in some way. It gets to a point like enough is enough. I realize this blatant disrespect on so many levels growing up and with my sisters with the men they met and married.

They gravitated towards aggressive men, I stayed away. The first signs of a man disrespecting me, I walk away. I shouldn’t have to fear black men but I do and it hurts me that I feel this way. I feel like I’m wearing an invisible sign that says, “disrespect, me, curse at me, raise your voice, harm me, I love assholes …. come on in …welcome”.

The more nice I am with manners and the things I talk about that bring me passion. It’s used against me. I’m tired of men disguising themselves as the perfect guy and they have a whole cemetery in their closet. I’ve never in my life had to deal with blatant disrespect from other races.

I came across a few articles with other woman of color expressing the same sentiments. I saw a clip with a woman on the Steve Harvey show talking about the same thing. That the men she meets, they are looking for a mother and they don’t want to be men anymore.

Which gave me the courage to express myself too. When it comes to love with a black man, its not in the cards. I realize I have to be open and just go back to what I know when I first started dating, because it never seems like its enough for certain black men. The more I love, the more they abuse it. The more they don’t know how to reciprocate.

Black men look at me and all they see is what they want and how fast they can get it and how fast they can lock me down. How fast they can get money from me. I ask myself what is this controlling behavior? This male dominance. Is this suppose to make you feel like the head of the house, or in a relationship, your attempt and ability to control a woman?

I know I’m not the first person they done this too. Although men act stupid they are not stupid, they know when they meet a good woman and have a good woman by their side. I’m tired of always being the one, to want to work things out and apologize while I get no apology and they feel their disrespect was necessary.

I’m tired of the no accountability. I’m tired of black men shutting down. Instead of talking about their feelings, it becomes an outburst of anger of some sort. Ghosting and deceit. Black men don’t listen to me, they automatically tell me I’m wrong. I’m sassy and act like my feelings don’t count.

The only thing that black men want from me is to sleep with me. They want me to have their baby or be a step mother to kids I don’t know they have. They want endless amounts of sex of any kind. I’m tired of hearing about how much black men love oral sex, especially if we just met a couple of minutes ago. It’s disrespectful.

I don’t have the strength to love a black man any more, its exhausting. I’m tired of every black man hurting me and breaking my heart over and over again. Not just my heart but the hearts of other black women. We don’t deserve that amount of disrespect.

What ever happened to a black man being a king, a leader? A provider and a protector. Now days they want a black woman to be that to them. They want to switch roles. They want me to fight for them, be protective. Be a solider when they can’t be for me. I’m a woman not an army.

When it comes to love. I just can’t. I feel I’m designed to be alone for now. I feel like I had my chance with love 15 years ago People keep saying “oh it will happen when you least expect it. That God has someone for everyone but the men I meet, one minute its nice, the next its to serious like in the same day.

Black men are infatuated by me and use the word love to get what they want. The way men come at me, they make me lose my faith, when it comes to love. I’m not looking for the one. Every time I open my heart and I want to see how things go, they just want to rush me to the altar. This is not the way God designed men to be.

The black men that I have met, that are nice to me, the ones I met through work or I grew up with them. I see how they respect their significant other. They let me know there are nice guys out there. I honestly don’t know why every black guy that wants to date me, always gets possessive. People keep noticing that.

I’m a hopeless romantic and a free spirit and they don’t want me to spread my wings and fly. There are a lot of things I know I can do on my own in life and I consider myself a strong woman. Never had Disney syndrome. Never played house as a little girl. Always been focused and ambitious.

The older I get and where I’m going in life, I just thought it would be nice to share my experiences with someone when time permitted. That we’d bring out the best in one another. That we can grow together. Be a power couple. Love each other with passion. Maybe even have a family and get married if it’s in the cards but I know it’s not.

I want someone I can do nothing with. Someone that brings peace and harmony into my space and into my spirit. But all I keep getting is the opposite. I realize I’m going to be by myself for a while because I have standards. Because I’m simple and I’m NEVER settling. Because I’m myself.

It seems like so-called love, drains me. Love is too needy. Love has to many expectations from the wrong person who doesn’t know how to love. The way men want me to be, I can’t be perfect. I can not have my own life and build yours and you do nothing to add to my life.

So love….I just don’t have the strength right now and that’s ok because I want someone who loves just as passionately as I do.

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