This morning I woke up to the alarm of one of my favorite love songs. This particular song as it was playing put my senses in a state of hypnotic ecstasy. I wanted to go online and express how I felt to the artist and connect with other music lovers, but as my emotions intensified I stopped myself. I felt too vulnerable, too exposed.
I felt no one would get it. That I would be wasting my time. I get a lot of silence from people. I start to question do people even think anymore or are we just caught up in visuals and instant gratification? Or maybe it’s not such a bad thing if someone is left speechless. You can’t misquote silence right?!
Maybe they really don’t know what to say so they need a minute to reflect. What this song does to me, it doesn’t do to anyone else except for the artist who sings it. If I had the chance to express how I felt that artist would get it. I wouldn’t have to feel ashamed of being vulnerable with his music.
I think artist love when they can hear what their music does to their fans. It’s nice when people get it. Like you don’t have to over-explain and they’ll listen and tell you that they get it. Your sensual vision is their sensual vision too. The energy you picked up and immersed yourself into they feel it too.
As the song continued to play, I felt myself about to cry. I fought back the tears until the tears fell down my cheeks. I felt the music wipe my tears away. I wasn’t sad. I just thought the way the song was ending and the depth of emotions, of the three lyrics along with the rest of the accompanying lyrics in the background, was just so beautiful and so sensual.
I felt those lyrics kiss my forehead as the rest of the music grabbed and kissed my neck. I got a visual of what the video would like. All the lyrical emotions had my senses heightened. I played the ending at least 11 times, as loud as I could get it, before I let it end on its own. I knew it would repeat but I just wanted to be in the moment with music and feel those emotions over and over again. It just felt so good being embraced by the music and lyrics.
It made me feel safe and my heart was protected. I wondered in that moment where did this artist pull those emotions from, to express how he felt about all of that sensual erotism. I questioned if I ever felt this way about someone. If I hadn’t, why? My soul was starving for that next beat and lyrics. As the music played again, I lay still wondering how come people don’t feel that way about love and love-making anymore?
I wondered why (especially for men) why is it so hard for them to be vulnerable? I know it’s a scary thing to be vulnerable and to tell someone how you feel but people hold back their emotions all the time. You can feel it. It bothers me when someone doesn’t tell me how they feel and I know they feel something for me. I feel like, just tell me. Stop being so afraid. Just tell me how you feel.
My soul begs for that person to stop holding back. But no, those emotions get buried deep for fear of being vulnerable. What is music, lyrics, love and emotions for, if you can’t express them and feel them? Why keep those emotions pent-up inside? As I sat there with the music, I wonder why the artist I listen to express such deep emotions, but can never seem to grasp love in real life.
My heart aches for the many artist I hear, that talk about love but yet it seems to be so elusive for them. Why is their greatest gift, their greatest burden? I believe that its possible that what they sing about they can have if only they believed it too. I hope that when real love finally does show up will they recognize it or will they run from it?
Love is the one thing we say we want but we’re so afraid of it. As I turn the volume up as high as I could get it. It felt good. It felt good not to deny my feelings and surrender to it. I thought to myself why was I afraid of the depth of my emotions? I had to be honest with myself why I didn’t want to feel. Maybe it’s because how intense and passionate I am it scares people.
I feel like I’m the most ignored woman on earth. (Ok maybe that’s an exaggeration, lol) but I do at times. A man doesn’t know how to receive me, but that’s ok, God will reveal my heart to the right man in his timing. I miss the love that some of my favorite artist used to show me that has stopped and I ask myself why? I’m a fan like everyone else. I know they see it but they don’t know what to say or how to receive it and that makes me sad for them.
I refuse to blend in to be seen and tone it down. I can’t control it and I don’t want to. When I’m alone and I look into the eyes of music, I ask, “what do you want me to see? Is there a message you want me to receive? What do you want me to feel? Why do you keep echoing louder and louder, tugging at my heart? Why won’t you turn the volume down just a little bit? What do you want me to admit to and open my heart to?
The answers will come in due time but for now I’ll just continue to let the music play…