Last night before I got into bed to retire for the night. I plugged in my phone and the clock immediately struck 12 am. I looked at my phone for a few seconds and just took a breath. Is it April already I said to myself…. Dang, this year is going by pretty quick… So many thoughts were running through my mind but one of them was, God, I can’t believe It’s been 25 years since my mom passed.
I took a breath and sat with that thought for a few minutes. Today, 25 years ago my entire life changed when I got that call. It changed me as a person and how I saw the world. You’re never the same no matter how many years go by. Sudden deaths are the worse and most painful because you feel like, you never got the chance to say goodbye and you’re left wondering what happened??
You’re stuck in limbo and you feel numb. You realized at that moment how precious life is and that you have no control over things in life and that we’re all on borrowed time. I remember my first love calling me and staying on the phone with me for hours while I cried after I got off the phone with his mom. I just wanted someone to tell me that it was a nightmare. I didn’t want anyone to hold me or talk to me but him but even he was far away but his presence was felt.
My whole body went into shock. I wondered for a second was I even still alive. A part of me did die. I had no idea how I was going to make it. I thought about what my mom said to me a few months prior and I told her not to say what she said about death, but that day came for me and I wasn’t prepared. The loss of a loved one, is not something I wanted to talk about with many because although I’ve learned to live with it, not a second goes by that I don’t think of my mother.
It’s my mother and you only have one and most people don’t understand because they still have their mother. Only those who have experienced the transcendence of a mother can fully understand. When I hear people complain about their parents and they are young or even over 30 or 40. I just say to myself, do you have any idea how blessed you are to still have your mother at the age you are now?
I know people over 50 and 60 and their mother is still alive. These people can still call their mother, go home and visit, eat their mother’s favorite dish during the holidays or their birthday. Get that hug, kiss or advice. Their mother has been there for every important event in their life, but yet some will never know what it feels like until it happens to them. Mine, I can only imagine, my communication is spiritual long distance.
I would never wish this never-ending pain on anyone even though I know it’s a part of life, but its something to think about because at any moment God can call your parent home. I understand grief is a very sensitive topic for most and being that I know myself. I have control over my emotions and the choices I make when it comes to anything in life and with grief and how I see it.
I have a certain level of understanding of transcendence, that’s why I choose not to call it “death” at times and use the word transcendence because that’s exactly what it is. Death sounds so final but transcends isn’t, it’s just the next level. It’s not to negate what it actually is or to not deal with the pain or to desensitize it. It’s just a higher level of understanding, of consciousness. Most people are not there because they are mourning the physical body, the person which is normal.
When it comes to honoring a loved one in heaven anniversaries and grief can be a very sensitive subject for some. People want to grieve how they want to grieve. They even want you to join in on it but you can’t. Everyone grieves and deals with the loss in their own way. I really don’t need a reminder of my mother not being here. I know that every day. I feel that every day.
Whenever this day comes around my family wanted to throw a mourning party, they wanted to cry and be sad and it was too depressing. So I had to stop talking to my family for a while because I didn’t want to be sad or depressed every time this day came around. I was accused of being heartless because I had my own way of dealing. No one had to like it. They just had to respect my choices. I wanted to honor and celebrate my mother’s life not the day she passed.
Her life had significance, love and lessons she left behind and I didn’t see the purpose of being sad and crying just to honor her, but it’s hard to get people to understand that. People want you to feel how they feel but that’s not possible. Yes, it is normal to remember things on certain days, but I don’t live or run my life or mourn on certain days as some people do. It’s not something I mark on the calendar to remind myself, “Ok, it’s time to remember, cry or grieve on this day.”
I don’t need to conjure up those emotions as if I have a director yelling “Action!” It’s not something that can be directed to turn on and off. It happens when it happens and the mood passes eventually. Society has a tendency to tell people when to feel and grieve (even celebrate) and some people buy into that just like the holidays. They think that’s honoring their loved one but it’s not. That’s a personal choice.
No matter what day it is you can choose how you honor and remember a loved one. No holiday or appointment needed.
Here are the ways I honor my mothers Heavenversary and her life. I honor my mother by just being a good person in my life. I’m not perfect I have my days but I’m a good person. I have a good heart and energy about me and that’s because of my mother and who she was. I get my strength and resilience from her. Other ways I honor her is by being of service, being there for people, listening, giving them my presence.
My mother was a mother and a counselor to many. Never turning her back on anyone who needed her. Always nurturing, always making sure people had a roof over their head and food to eat. Always sharing even when we didn’t have much. An earth angel… that’s where I get it from. Never being judgmental and giving insight. When people think of my mother or when they see me, I’m a reflection of her and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
When people say “You are just like your mother” It’s a compliment! An honor! I can’t help but smile and feel a sense of pride and a little sadness. But it’s true, I am my mothers’ daughter and that’s the best compliment and title I can ever have in my life. It’s an honor for me as well because of the lives she’s touched and they saw the light and love in her that I now carry on.
Knowing that I was good to my mother and not a spoiled brat because of the things she told me makes me feel good. Knowing that I was loved even though for a short time (in the physical world) just fills me with even more love and joy in my heart. It’s humbling. It keeps me motivated. I get to wake up by Gods grace and have air in my lungs and do things with my life that she never got a chance to do.
I get to carry on that legacy and not let her life be in vain. I honor my mother by expressing myself creatively. My mom always allowed me to express myself because she saw herself in me and a few of those ways was by music and writing. My mother loved to write and had such beautiful penmanship. It’s crazy how our penmanship is almost identical. (I know writing is a thing of the past for most people, they don’t like their handwriting but I feel we need to get back to that).
My mom taught me Independence and sticking up for myself. I honor her that way too. Growing up we didn’t have much but another way I honor her is by having gratitude for the simple things in life. By having a clean home and by taking care of myself and my things. I honor her by not being materialistic and being frugal. By not having this lackluster attitude about life, by being ambitious, by learning and sharing my insight.
I honor her by playing her favorite love songs, they always pop in my head, some of them are hard to listen to because I can see and feel her so I know she knows I’m thinking about her and missing home. When I think of something happy and something happens and I wonder at times, is she ok and can she hear me? She’ll send me a sign and I just smile because I know that was her tuning into my thoughts.
My mother is always around me. And when I mean always, I mean ALWAYS, LOL. Whenever I need her, even when I think I don’t and I try to be a tough girl but she is always there guiding me. I still make some of my decisions based off of what she would want and think is best and usually, moms are always right, LOL. It’s funny at times when I’m alone because I’m like ok, I know that was you who did that and put words in my mouth I sound just like you :).
I know what most of you are thinking… talking to a spirit, huh? I’ll pass… I’m good!” Hey to each is own. In life, you don’t always have to see with your own eyes to know something is real. To experience the beauty in it. You feel it in your spirit, you feel that energy. But most people focus on what they can see. Just remember that before you and I were born, we were merely a thought, we were energy (we still are) and God had to say let you and I be.
Everything God does is purposeful.
I’m not afraid to engulf myself in the spirit world like most, because I know that I’m a spiritual being having a human experience. I’m not attached to this world. These are just the many ways that I honor my mother and all that she has taught me and still is teaching me. Another way to honor your loved one is to make different choices. You can honor them that way by being different. Learn from their mistakes or lessons. My mom at times was very regretful by some of her choices.
I think all mothers are, especially when you are single but she did the best she could with the tools she had. She wanted me to do the opposite of what she did in life, with relationships and career choices. Even if I couldn’t do it for myself like finishing school, I knew she would have wanted me to so I pushed through. She wanted me to live my life and not worry about all those serious things that she got involved with so early and like the women in my family. Thats why when I told her I met someone and fell in love, she knew I wasn’t going to do anything.
She let me date my first love and we took our time. I finished school. I didn’t drop out and have a baby and have no dreams or goals. This is why I never put a man first in my life and settled down so young like so many do. I lived even if it meant I was alone. I never complicated my life because I saw early on it was no fantasy. I saw how hard it was for my mom, other women in my family, friends so I made different choices. If your loved one made certain choices or they had a certain way of being, you can be the opposite of that.
You don’t have to keep their traits or bad habits or do what they did, that’s not keeping their legacy or memory alive. You u don’t honor a love one by making the same mistakes. It’s not a curse its a choice to be that way. I see so many people honor their parents in the worst way but they continue to be that way because they feel it’s keeping the tradition. Living your best life and doing things with love and passion is a gift you can give to them and yourself. By forgiving when it’s time is a great way to honor a loved one.
I know some may not be there yet and that’s ok but there is no happiness without sadness. Every good thing comes to an end but we have our cherished memories. We’re always mourning something regardless of who or what it is and what it may look like, but these experiences just make us who we are. They make us whole, strong and enrich our life even if we don’t understand it. One of the most important things is to remember that by honoring your loved one and celebrating their life is that you are always honoring God.
Grief hits you in stages, you can be happy one moment and sad the next, don’t deny your feelings be honest, vulnerable and authentic. Feel, don’t go numb, but don’t dwell there. Our loved ones are ok and they wouldn’t want us to be sad. One day we will see them again but until then, they are always around, protecting and guiding you. All you have to do is think of them, keep those beautiful memories alive, talk to them, close your eyes and even visit them while you sleep but this can only be done with an open heart while love leads the way.
I hope some of the ways I honor my mother can be an inspiration for you to honor your loved ones. Although it was 25 years ago, I’m proud of myself that I survived. God has kept me when my life could have turned out a different way. It hasn’t been easy, still isn’t but its better than where I was before. I’m proud of how far God has brought me, how far I’ve come on my own and how God continues to use me to help others and be of solace. I feel like in life I’m just getting started! What I went through I had to grow through and so will you but don’t rush. Thank you for reading and Namaste 🙏