Held Captive By Music

Music knows it’s held me captive and it has no plans of letting me go now

Music knows the way I feel as soon as I hear that beat drop

It senses my energy and invites me into its world

With music there is no judgement, I can just let go and be myself

Music has me under its complete spell 

I obey music with my mind, spirit and body 

I reach for music all day, every day…. in the middle of the night

Feenin, hungry, thirsty needing that next fix, that next melody and lyric

I need music’s conversation for I feel it’s the only thing that understands me

Music knows I’m an addict, that I try to find ways to have the voice and lyrics inside of me

I want it so bad, I want to drink it and taste it, inject it, cover my body with it

Music can have its way with me at anytime or any place

Music understands me and wants me to be a slave to it

Music knows that I will take on the artist spirit and feel what the artist feel

I can be free, naked and totally uninhibited with music

Music hits all of my erogenous zones and makes my body feel intoxicated

Music loves touching every part my body. Seeing it’s notes on my body like a music sheet

Wondering which part of my body it’s going to play with next

Music loves penetrating the portal of life and playing with my love button

That vibrating sensation is just what music wants

Music loves to take me there even if it’s just for a moment of release

Music knows I never want to let it go and it doesn’t want me to

Music loves to undress me and wishes it had lips so it could kiss me

And taste every part of my body with its lyrics and melody

Music traces it’s lyrics on my skin like braille

When I get high with music, music is very pleased for it knows

It has done its job of bringing me to ecstasy

Music knows I’m addicted but music says, its ok be free because it’s a safe kind of high.

Music loves when I feel sensual and sexy, for it enjoys pleasing me

And knows that I’m in-tuned with its melodies

Music enjoys tantalizing me, it enjoys my sexy moans,

The way my body moves to it’s rhythm, to the instruments

Music smiles for music is very pleased with my reaction

Music sees the lyrics, passion and fire in my eyes reaching to the depths of my soul

Music loves when I repeat certain parts of a song

Then music feels my body pulsate with anticipation of its next melody

Music enjoys the anticipation of my mental climax, for it know my body will follow

Music loves to take my breath away and breathe the lyrics back inside of me

Giving me life over and over again, knowing it’s the only resuscitation I need

Music wants me to always be held captive under its spell

And I want to for as long as I can breathe music in my lungs

But music knows the day will come, when it will have to share me

When it will lead me to another music lover, that can take over

So that I can experience the human part of music’s ecstasy

Music wonders who will this music lover be? I wonder too?

Music will not just hand me over to anybody, music will be very selective 

When choosing to hand me over to another music lover and so will I 

Music knows they must be just as passionate, they have to want to be high

They can’t get jealous of the way music makes me feel

They can’t censor me or music will take me back and keep me to itself

Becoming possessive over me and never wanting to let me go again

Music is selfish and I understand because we get each other

Our love affair is deep and it will another etherial soul to get how music makes me feel

Music knows that not everybody gets music, nobody everybody feels the way I feel

That my ecstasy is rare and doesn’t want to let it go

Music is a bit jealous to let me go, but knows its inevitable

But music knows it will forever dwell in my spirit

While silently sharing me with a new love

Are You Too Much? Too Passionate?

Have you ever had someone tell you, that you are too deep? Too much? Too extra? Or tell you that it’s not that serious?

Well, I have more than I can count and you know what? I know that these people criticizing me, the only reason that they are saying this, is because they are void of passion.

I’m a very passionate woman and I know this trait of mine can be very intimidating to people. I’m always being told, I’m to deep. Keep it short. When I use my brain I use it.

Some people gravitate towards it while others simply can’t, take my passionate intensity. Whenever I express myself about something or someone. I use all of my senses. When I answer a question and give advice.

Theres no such thing as being too much or too passionate.

I’m very passionate about the advice I give with my open heart and my energy. The mind is a very beautiful thing which should be explored passionately. Hearing a persons thoughts about life and their experiences is quite intriguing. To be a passionate person is a great thing, but you have to be careful about where the receiving end of that passion.

At times you will have to guard your passion because not every one you meet, it’s for them. My passion sometimes attracts negativity and people can take your passion for granted. Life is meant to live passionately. When I’m into something or into someone, I give it my all. I become very passionate about loving or else it’s a waste of time and energy.

I was listening to “Your Touch” by Ralph Tresvant and it made me think about, how some of us are not using all of our full senses, when it comes to our relationship with our significant other. How many times do we not see, touch, feel, hear or taste the person that we’re with. That we are not filled with the very essence of their being. Why don’t we look at each other with passion and hunger in our eyes?

Why aren’t we touching the one we love? Why aren’t we making love to their mind,body and soul? Affection in our intimate relationships is very important. So why did this fade? God gave us these senses to use them in every thing we do, but most importantly when it comes to loving someone. When I listen to this song, I’m fully immersed in Ralph’s music and lyrics, as the music makes love to my soul.

The tone of his sensual voice as I let him, take me on a euphoric journey is intoxicating. Feeling those lyrics in my spirit and on my skin. Listening to how passionate and sensual the music is. How much he wants to see her smile and to feel her touch. The look and passion in her eyes and how her smile is connected to the way she touches him is beautiful. Making love starts with your senses first.

This is how one should be, when they love and when they are in love. They should be so intoxicated that they can’t get enough of the person they are with. That person becomes a drug and they can’t wait to get another fix. That’s loving passionately, fearlessly……as if you need the very breath they breathe out, so you can breathe it in, to give you life.

If you aren’t feeling this way, if you aren’t, seeing, touching, tasting, being aromatic of someone and hearing the person you are with. Then you are not fully loving them with all your senses. Love is supposed to make you high and addicted. You’re supposed to love passionately with every fiber of your being and not with half a heart but with your whole soul.

If you can’t love this way, while you’re here on earth then don’t love all. Be full and healed when you choose to love someone. Don’t bring your past issues to new love. Love can open your eyes to the possibilities to so many things. When you know you’re loved and you know that you have someone, who loves you with all they have inside of them.

When they see something in you enough to cultivate it and believe in you. You feel like you can accomplish anything. When you choose to love someone, love them as if it’s never going to hurt. When you make love let yourself go and be totally uninhibited. Love making is freedom… just like music. Let your emotions flow, so you can experience a mind-blowing mentalgasm.

That will turn into a physical one. Really passionately want the person your with. Crave them as if you starving for their love. See yourself in their eyes. It’s very electrifying when someone puts their hands on you and touches your body. It can feel like magic. You feel alive. Don’t be afraid to be passionate and vulnerable. It makes you human and most of all it makes you beautiful.

Fame And Isolation, Both A Blessing And A Curse

Fame and isolation…. A by product of the entertainment industry. When it comes to fame the majority of the world sees the glitz and glamour, the money, the house, the cars.

The many things they can buy and obtain. When it comes to being in the spotlight some people feel this is the only way, they can obtain wealth by becoming an entertainer.

This is the illusion that they have. Fame gives the illusion to some that you are somebody. That you finally made it. People will see your name and your face all over the world. Some people want it so bad while others avoid it. There are some creative people who really love the arts for what it is and not because of the attention or the award shows or the things they can obtain from it. These people really respect their craft and have a passion for it.

When God blesses you with gifts and talents that you are supposed to share with the world. It can be very overwhelming. You are like wow, I get to share my music or my art with people all over the world. In different states, countries, people who you may never meet. You get to touch them and inspire them. But through this gift comes great responsibility.

What the entertainment industry fails to disclose, is how isolating fame can be. Being in the public eye is both a blessing and a curse. You want to share your gifts with the world but at what expense? When you decide to live your life in the public eye. There are a lot of things that you have to give up without even realizing it like trust and privacy.

When everybody wants you and you’re hot and people find you attractive. It makes it harder for you to do things that other people can do, without causing an uprising. I remember when a few people recognized me on TV, I was riding the train and this guy kept staring at me. So I said something to him because he was making me feel very uncomfortable staring at me and then he said, I know where I saw you from and everybody looked.

I got off the train and waited for another one. Peoples eyes on me the whole time was not very  comfortable. Another time I was checking in to a hotel and somebody else recognized me and next thing you know, everybody waiting to check in, was trying to figure out who I was. Another guy tried to follow me to my room. This made me feel very uncomfortable. When you are on tv or in film. Your world changes. You become a target.

If an entertainer gets married or has a baby, the world goes crazy when in reality there are people, who get married and have babies all the time and no one is making a big fuss about it. On some level, the world forgets that people in the public eye are human. When you are famous, it causes you to distrust people. You may feel like you are the same person but the people around you start to change.

The ones that are close to you like your family and friends and the people who want to get close to you. You question their motives. Whether one likes it or not fame and money changes people. Unless you’re a really grounded humble person. Not to mention having really thick skin. If you can stay and remain humble, you may just be able to handle being in the spotlight.

When your name is out there, it can change the people around you. We’ve seen this happen countless times, when you’re on top, everybody loves you, but when you’re not and you’re not making the same kind of money, you see who’s really down for you when you have nothing. This goes for real life too for people who are not famous.

Fame can interfere with finding love. You can try to open your heart to love but in the back of your mind, you’ll always be wondering, does this person really want me for me and not for what I do or what I have? We see this happen to men and some women but mostly men. People in the public eye can’t just be with anyone. They have to be extremely selective about who they interact with.

If you are in the relationship with the wrong man or woman and if you marry them and if it doesn’t work out. Or if you have kids by them. You take risk of now having your private life exposed to the whole world. It’s no longer about the art anymore, it’s about your personal life. The person you broke up with and the media doesn’t care about intrusion and neither do some of the fans.

The world can make entertainers seemed larger than life when they are really just like the rest of us. People are watching your every move. They want to know every little meticulous detail about you. And they will stop at nothing to get the information that they want. You see it every day, we have shows dedicated to the rich and famous. As if the rest of the world are just mere peasants.

The viewers watching and the ones who want that lifestyle. Feel like they need to change their life in order to live life. They want to wear what the stars are wearing. I’ve seen how people act behind the scenes when their main focus and goal is to be famous. They have low self-esteem, they feel this the only way to be loved.

They feel like the entertainment industry is the only field that they can be and feel important. They want to go to famous parties and become friends with the elite. Get free shit because they see celebrities get free stuff. When these people enter the industry they have no idea, how this industry will make them feel isolated and alone.

The public eye and fame can make you question everything about life and who you are. You start to morph into someone who you never thought you would be. Your ego gets inflated. You start feeling entitled because of the way people treat you, that you think the red carpet should be rolled out everywhere you go.

We’ve all seen the rich and famous buy their way our of trouble. Theres no accountability, their name alone holds weight. Some people in the entertainment industry, whether they are a singer, actor or athlete. Some of these people use what they do and who they are to get what they want. I’ve met people from all fields, that feel the need to try to impress me with what they do as if I care.

I recall being at an event in my 20s and this guy that was trying to talk to me, I had no idea he played football. He introduced his profession to me before he introduced himself to me. Right then in there I wasn’t interested. I was turned off. I politely rejected him. As the event went on, the guy throwing the event, said to me that there was somebody he wanted me to meet.

Ironically it was the same asshole that tried to talk to me. The athlete, said to me, “You see, you rejected and me and you didn’t even know who I was.” I said and I still don’t care who you are.” and walked away.  I guess he thought I was supposed to be impressed and I wasn’t. Men claim they want a woman, who’s not materialistic but then they throw what they do in a woman’s face and some women will latch onto a man because of who he is.

I’m sorry but as much as I love my favorite artist or actors. They are human beings and I will treat them as so. I’ve met some people in the industry that were really nice, kind and humble towards me and others that were straight up arrogant assholes. I’m pretty sure they have women throwing themselves at them every day, so they figure this should be easy, until they come across someone like me, who gives them a slice of humble pie.

When I was younger and waited to be an actress. I saw how the people around me started changing. People never introduced me by my name first, it was like oh, let me introduce you to this model/actress named so and so. When people treat you like a commodity, that’s not a good feeling. When all people see is how you look. It can make you feel like, that’s all people care about is your looks and your status.

I just decided that this was not the field for me. I had a genuine love for the arts but not to be famous. Anyone who knows me, knows I’m not comfortable with attention. I try to deflect it as much as I can. You can’t help who you meet and who you bond with, but I had to decline artist who wanted to date me, simply because I did not want to be in the spotlight because of what they did for a living.

I like my life private and they didn’t respect that. In this industry you can meet a lot of opportunist. It can be hard to decipher who really wants to work with you and mentor you or help you reach that next level. I have never been able to successfully work with a man in the entertainment industry. Every time I think it’s a Go, it’s a No. Apparently they have something else on their mind. They’re men, that pretty much sums that up!

Entertainers have to watch EVERYTHING they do any say. They have a reputation to uphold. This industry teaches you to very, very cautious. Now with social media forget, there is no privacy at all. People use their cameras to their advantage. Shit can come back to bite you. You can’t even interact even if you want to. I’ve seen celebrities get bullied and attacked, by the very same fans that claim to love them.

A famous person has to protect themselves with a prenup or they should go further and make the person they date, sign a contract. That’s what Jennifer Lopez did, when she married her first husband. She was smart and right for doing that, because he wanted to put their business in a book to profit off of it, now he can’t. Question is, why would you want to do that in the first place?

Opportunist don’t care about an artist reputation, everything they work so hard for, being dragged through the mud. They don’t even care how it makes them look, they just want the attention and money. As much as artist say they don’t care what the general public thinks, they do. Words do hurt. I’ve been grateful enough to have conversations with artist and they are human.

But the world doesn’t seem them as such. They are put on a pedal stool. There’s the need to always be on top. To front and act like they are doing big things, when in reality they are not and they are lonely. The stories that men have entrusted me with, the things some women have done. My heart aches for them. Because no one should be put through that regardless of who you are, but when you are an artist its amplified.

Instead of people being inspired by the art, the magic, the fantasy, the music, their attention is on the wrong things. We watch how some people succumb to the pressure of fame, whether they are on top or not. Some people even choose suicide. They want to make it so bad and when they don’t, they feel like a failure. People forget that they have to put in the work and that nothing happens overnight.

As much as I love the arts. I will choose my path behind the scenes, because having the camera on me, is not the life I choose to live. I feel sad for artist who can’t find love and somebody who’s really down for them, just because of what they do. We see how beautiful or handsome these people are and even though they are easy on the eye. We have no idea the kind of pain is behind their eyes and their smile.

We think they have it all just because of their looks and because the camera is on them, but in reality we have no idea the pain they are covering up. At the end of the day, ok you have money and nice things. You have a nice house and several cars. But do you have love? Do you love yourself? Do you know who you are and not what the world wants you to be?

Do you have someone to hold you at night? Someone to talk to you? Someone that you can be vulnerable and raw with that truly gets you? Someone who wants you for you and not the lifestyle you can provide them with? Hows your spirit? How’s your relationship with God? Money can make things easier but all of these things money can’t buy.

Are People Disturbed By Your Kind, Quiet, Peaceful Nature?

I know you must be reading this title and thinking how can being kind, quiet and peaceful be disturbing to others?

Who wouldn’t want that kind of person in their life as a friend and especially in a relationship.

Well, as bizarre as it sounds, let me let you in on a something. It can be disturbing to others. There are people in the world who have a problem with these kind of people. I’ve encountered them on many occasions and it always makes me question why?

When you’re a kind, quiet and peaceful person, it can make others feel uneasy, especially when they are not used to it. Whenever a person is quiet and kind, we question whats wrong? What do you they want? No one acts that way without an ulterior motive.

Red flags go up for no reason. This is how we have been conditioned to think. We can’t fathom how a person can be so quiet and peaceful. Kind nice people seem to get taken advantage of. They see the good in the world and the good in others and unfortunately it’s not reciprocated. This is what makes good people not want to trust and love.

I never understood why my nature disturbs some people. I’ve quarreled about this with friends, family and even in a relationship. You would think being a kind, quiet peaceful person, people would want that in their life on a daily basis. But when you are this way, people will try or want to change you. They feel like because they are loud and talk all the time and they like to go out.

And can’t stay home for nothing. They want you to adopt their lifestyle and be the same way. I’m constantly being told by people who I’m too nice and quiet. People have called me perfect and I’m not.  When I’m quiet around others and I’m kind to them, for some strange reason, my positive energy is met with negativity. This of course is mind-boggling to me, because I treat people the way I wanted to be treat.

We live in a society that we think quiet people are boring. That quiet people are negative and I’ve been asked why don’t I talk. I guess these people don’t take the time to read anything I write, LOL. I talk, I just don’t talk the way they talk. I love intellectually stimulating conversations. I can talk to people for hours, when its something that interest me. I’m not a fan of small talk. I don’t like meaningless conversation.

My articles are not even short, lol…. I’m in-depth for a reason. We live in a world that people think we all have to be the same, especially extroverted loud busy people. When you’re a quiet, kind, nice and a peaceful person, people think something is wrong with you. Ever notice that when a child is quiet or even an adult. People think something is wrong? We expect people to talk from sun up to sun down.

We have a problem with solitude and other people’s solitude. Extroverted people can’t understand why introverted people want to be alone. I notice that a lot of people who fear solitude and being alone.

Have no idea who they are. They don’t love who they are or know what they want and need out of life. Because they don’t take the time to be alone and be still. My opinion is they are running from themselves.

Its like the person that can’t stand to be alone and they are always in a relationship whether it toxic or not. To them anybody is better than nobody. They keep looking towards other people and even things to make them feel whole in some way. It is possible to get addicted to people and to things. This is why some people start to hoard. There is something that they are not dealing with.

I notice that whenever I’m around people who can’t seem to take a chill pill and they act like they are wired all the time. They don’t feel heard. Especially if they grew up in a large family. An old neighbor of mine was always talking loud, especially when I was sitting right next to her. The reason she did this is because she grew up in a big family and felt she had to raise her voice to be heard.

As a quiet person, I can be around a certain level of noise and busyness when I’m socializing but the one place I do require peace at, is when I’m home. When I walk through the door the outside world no longer exist. Its time to relax and recharge. People can’t understand why I like to eat while its quiet with some soft music playing in the background. I can’t enjoy my food around constant chatter.

Whenever a quiet person is a certain type of way. People feel there needs to be an intervention. I had a family member of mine tell me that I had to adapt, to her lifestyle and routine just because I stayed in her house. I moved out. Just because someone lives with you, doesn’t mean you get to control them and not let them be. I wasn’t being respected. I was sleep deprived. I couldn’t get a moment to myself.

I couldn’t write or eat in peace without someone disturbing me on a daily basis. And if I didn’t want to go out, forget it! That caused even more tension. I’m told because I’m young, that I shouldn’t rest and that I should have more energy. More energy for who and for what? For someone else’s external lifestyle that’s not mine. Whats important to me and what I spend my time on, that’s what I have energy for.

It’s not selfish to want to do your own thing. I shouldn’t have to be joined at the hip with someone, just because I decide to be in a relationship or meet new people. There needs to be a balance. Introverted people can be extroverted at times, but not 7 days a weeks or 24/7. This is one of the reasons of many, that my last relationship (and even my friendships) ended or came to a pause.

People trying to change me and having a problem with me being quiet and keeping to myself. I’m told live a little. I am living just not loudly. I don’t need to draw attention to myself or be noticed. I don’t need to be ON all the time. I got tired of the constant going out all the time. People have tricked me in order to get me to go somewhere with them.

If I hate malls and shopping, why would you trick me into going to these places and keep me out for hours, knowing I have stuff to do. Just because one wants company. I don’t spend my days at the mall buying shit. People who keep to themselves and are private are not selfish. If I had a long day, the last thing I want to do is attend to someone as if they are a child.

Even when I’m quiet and still….. I’m still busy. I’m busy thinking. I’m listening to the holy spirit talk to me. I’m quiet so that I can receive answers and know whats my next move. It’s hard to get to know yourself and what you want in life, when you have others in your ear all the time and to many obligations. I observe the behavior of people who can’t be quiet and I see how uncomfortable it is for them.

Noise to them is how they live life. If that’s how one enjoys life, fine. Live it up! That works for you. That doesn’t mean that you should try to change, another person just because it makes you uncomfortable. Quiet, kind peaceful people take time to smell the roses. They are in the moment. They get to decipher what really matters in life. Where they are going and the kind of people they want to be around.

Theres a certain kind of quiet strength, humility and resilience that these people have. Whenever I’m faced with something. I get still. I don’t panic. Extroverted loud busy people panic. The make mountains out of mole hills. Their thoughts are all over the place. Their decisions are not rational. They also make hasty decisions too. They feel if they are not busy life doesn’t make sense.

Always remember, that the way people are and how they treat you, is a reflection of who they are. A person can be busy, but busy doing what? Just being busy? Quiet people like to enjoy life and have fun. There is no right or wrong. It’s just how one chooses to live their life. The next time you encounter someone who is this way. Relax around them. You just might learn a new way of being.

Where Ever You Are Supposed To Be, God Will Lead You There

I was thinking about the time I auditioned for this theater group when I was 18. When I found out where the audition was, I said to myself oh no, I do not want to travel 2 hours a day there and back. I went any way but on my way there. I really didn’t think too much about how the audition would go or anything.

My teacher told me that it was a small theater group so I figured, ok, I’ll go but I know they are not going to pick me. I was going through so much at the time, that I didn’t have time to process anything. I didn’t know if I wanted to process anything as I was feeling so numb and just wanted to feel another feeling. Think another thought.

So when I got off the train and I was looking for FACES, it really made me not want to go because of where it was located. I thought about rush hour in NYC, getting home late after school when it got dark. So when I finally arrived, I realized this was a theater group I’d seen when I was a child that I wanted to be a part of 10 years prior. I knew the content they dealt with and I said to myself I really don’t want to be here.

I felt like the issues they addressed, that they would be delving into my personal life. Whether it was something I went through or someone I knew that went through it and I just didn’t want to go there. When I arrived I was the only one there. I said to myself, where is everybody? Then 3 other girls showed up and so did the other improv actors.

So they sat me and the other 3 girls down, explained who they were and what they did. They got up and performed for us, to give us an example to follow. Then they said its time to get up and audition and show us what you got. They performed with us and it was fun since we could improv. I thought ok, cool I can do this. Then it got deep. They gave us a skit about a break up and just told us to go there.

I said internally oh shit! I felt the butterflies in my stomach. I took a breath and was like ok I can do this. So the other actor I was performing with, we just fed off of each other energy. During my audition, It got really intense. I forgot there were other people in the room. As we were moving around the room. I saw the look on everybody’s face when we got back in front of them.

They were staring, they got drawn in. I saw one of the other actress shaking her head yes, giving me this really intense look. Everything that I was going through and felt in that moment. I poured into that scene. It was therapeutic in a way. When I said my last lines which ended the scene. The room was quiet. I thought the scene would continue but it didn’t.

They thanked me and the other girls and said that they would be in touch. As me and the other girls left. The other 3 girls, kept telling me how good I was and where did I learn to act like that. I never took lessons. I told them I never took lessons. I said to them we were all good. They kept saying, no, you were really good, they are going to pick you. I said to them, who knows they might ask all of us back.

I wasn’t comfortable with the spotlight being on me at all. I felt really exposed. I felt really good about the audition but this was only my third one. The other theater groups I auditioned for, which I got positive feedback from, they were close to me but they weren’t funding. I wished in the back of my head they were, because one of the auditions was so much fun, it lasted 3 hours.

The guy that was auditioning with me, we vibed off of each other really well. When we left, we hugged and wanted that part so bad. The program directors really loved us and they just let us have fun and play. When I parted with the other girls at FACES, we wished each other luck and went on our way. I knew in the back of my mind. I gave a really good audition. I was proud of myself.

But still, the distance turned me off. I said to myself, I hope they don’t pick me. I know…strange. Like I said it was the distance. So when I arrived home. I heard the phone ringing. The machine picked up and it was my teacher screaming in the phone. I picked up the phone and all she kept yelling was FACES loved you. They want you. They loved your performance they want you there on Monday. My teacher was so happy for me. She was more happy for me than I was.

You would have thought I hit the lotto by the way she was screaming. In a way I did. I just didn’t know it. I didn’t have time to process what would be taking place next. I didn’t know that God had led me to this place, so that I could do some internal healing. When I observed, behind the scenes their performances, I said to myself, I can’t get up there on that stage. I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.

Everybody in the world is going to know, what me and my family went through. Everybody is going to know I lost my mother and feel sorry for me. And I didn’t want anybody’s pity. What I was feeling was shame, guilt and fear. When I thought about, no one would know. It’s not like they knew me or my family. The first few days I was there I spoke to the theater director.

I explained to her that I wasn’t comfortable with these domestic violence skits. When I saw these two actors perform it. I was like oh shit, this man sounded exactly like my father. I felt like if I performed that scene that I would do to my father what he did to my mother. There was no way in hell, I was going to perform that scene. She understood, as they would not have a performer get on stage and have flashbacks.

They were careful with traumatic experiences. So pretty much for the next few months I played it safe. Not really doing anything intense. I wasn’t really giving it my all. I just thought if I showed up that was enough. I didn’t want to put in the work and be that vulnerable. All I wanted was my 3 credits that I needed to graduate high school so I could be on my way.

So much was going on, I left my father’s house and I was just trying to take care of myself during my tenure at FACES. When the semester was ending, the program director sat me down and said. I have to perform. That if I didn’t perform. I wasn’t going to graduate. It was my turn to perform for the program. I remember sitting in that chair, feeling like I was going to walk out. My stomach started turning.

The director told me to pick a scene. I chose this piece called “Hear No Evil” The other two girls, did “Speak No Evil and See No Evil.” I knew this scene all to well as I’ve seen them perform it so many times. I just had no idea how I was going to get up there and say those words. I thought I was going to have a break down on stage.

The day of my performance I was happy that it was close by, at this university. Ironically it was at the university I auditioned for but they weren’t sponsoring. So when my teacher from the program arrived and all the other students that were in the program got there. I got nervous. What made me even more nervous is when the college students arrived and the auditorium was full.

The other two girls and I, were waiting in the hall until it was time for us to perform. When it was showtime I had to sit down in the middle chair. The girl to the left of me said her monologue and when she finished I knew I was next. I prayed for strength to say those words. I took my hands off my ears and opened my eyes and just went for it. When I said my lines and looked out into the audience.

Everyone was quiet and staring at me. So I looked over at my best friend, the director and my teacher, then back at the audience and I just continued to delivered my lines. When I finished and put my hands back over my ears and closed my eyes, it was time for the next girl to say her monologue. After the performance was over everyone clapped. I was relieved it was over. I just wanted to get off the stage, lol.

Before we left, the audience had questions so we stayed for Q&A. One of the college students had a question and asked how do we prepare for a scene like that? I took the question. My response was “it was very difficult for me to get up here and say those lines as I know women who have been in a domestic violence relationship and I heard those words uttered before. I said I didn’t know if I could do it.

If I could go there. The whole time I’m sitting here. I’m thinking I have to say this. I was thinking what woman in her right mind says these things, makes excuses and blames herself for being abused. But you have women out here who do that. I had to watch my mother go through that and I told my director. I can’t get up here and do this but I’m glad I did. Because it opens up the dialogue.

So many times we stay silent when it comes to domestic violence, feeling ashamed and the problem is not going to go away by being silent. Every day and every 3 seconds a woman is being abused by her boyfriend or husband and some of them don’t even make it out. Some women even die at the hands of their abuser. So this performance is very much-needed even though it’s a vessel through art.”

I knew in that moment, that God wanted me to be in that theater group. He wanted me to be a voice and he wanted to use me as a vessel. I remember feeling very content. Remembering what it was like to be on stage before I lost my mom. That live interaction with the audience, I missed that when I was younger. Whenever I was performing or had a show. I would look to my right and my mother was grinning from ear to ear.

Her love and support was my strength and I didn’t have that once she transcended. I guess I thought I couldn’t do it without her cheering me on. But she was there with me the whole time. Every time I wanted something that I didn’t get. God had something better for me. Some place he was trying to lead me to, because someone somewhere needed to hear what I had to say.

No matter how uncomfortable I was, I simply needed to surrender to his will. The thing about life is, no matter which road you take. You will end up where you need to be. God will lead you there and he will be there. When I said my lines, I felt like I had an angel around me comforting me. The other theater groups, that I wanted but they weren’t sponsoring, that’s because that wasn’t where I was supposed to be. The experience would not have been the same.

I would not have met the same people. I wouldn’t have been begun my own journey when it came to feeling, dealing and healing. Creative fields can be a great platform when it comes to reaching others on a massive scale. Being in the spotlight in any way is not something I welcome, as I am more of a behind the scenes kind of person but if that’s really where God wants me to be. I guess at some point I have to stop fighting it, lol. I guess I have no choice but to submit to his will.

Men Really Are Quite Simple

When it comes to men and women and how they think. Yes, there are some differences but when it comes to understanding men.

I find that men really are quite simple creatures. They really are not that hard to figure out. I’m not talking about simple as in just feeding them and having sex with them.

No, I’m talking about everything they do and everything they say. There are several keys to understanding a man. One of those keys is to listen. A man will tell you everything you really need to know, if you would just listen to him. Even if he is not direct just pay attention and be silent.

Know how to be observant and understand what he is not saying. Get out of your own way and don’t make it about you. How he feels is not about you all the time. It’s about him and he needs you to get that. When a man wants to be silent and relax, it’s not because of you. He just wants time to be alone to get into himself and hear his own thoughts.

Sometimes a man will be with a woman other than his S.O. (have an emotional affair or bond and attachment to another woman) because she allows him, to be himself and doesn’t try to change him. She doesn’t nag him or expect to much from him. Thats also the key to getting what you want, not expecting it or demanding it. Space is what he needs to access his thoughts.

A real man who needs space is just trying to evolve and be the best man he can be for himself and for you. I find that women are always blind-sided when a man does or says something. Thats because they are not paying attention. We’ve all been there. Sometimes for me, I’m oblivious to when a man is attracted to me because I’m not paying attention. My mind is elsewhere.

It’s only when I’m alone with my thoughts and I backtrack and revisit a conversation, I’m like ok, he told me what he wanted or hinted around to it and I completely missed it, lol. It happens. I’m also not thinking every man I meet wants me. Every time I explain to women what men are thinking and I’m right about something.

They always want to know, how do I know? Simple, I pay attention. Men are surprised too when I understand them. Now on the contrary some men don’t like it. I’ve had men tell me, I know too much or that I’m to deep, whatever the hell that means. Those are just selfish boys who want to run game and don’t want a woman with an evolved mind, to question them or their intentions.

I don’t think women should think like a man to understand a man. I don’t think it’s that serious. Women should act like a lady and think like a lady but understand a man. Not think  like him or seek to be on his level. Because guess what? You’re not a man. You’re a woman and you should act like one at all times. I don’t need to think like a man to understand a man.

When a man feels that a woman gets him. Several things may occur, he’ll either gravitate towards her or he’ll back away. But if he is intrigued and mentally stimulated, he’ll stick around in some way. When a man feels understood by a woman enough to let down his guard. It makes him more at ease to talk to her.

I notice that the men that do talk to me, they feel very misunderstood by society and the woman in their life. Half the shit that women think about and complain about, men are not even thinking about. When it comes to a mans wants and needs, men are really simple. It’s women who require more of think they do. Men don’t have a long list of what a woman should have but women do when it comes to men.

When a man wants to settle down, he just wants the basics which are simple. How many women pass up a good man because he doesn’t have a college degree or two or if he doesn’t make a certain amount of money. These good men get passed over all the time. Some women aim real high, they’ll go after a singers, entertainers or athletes.

They are not stupid. They know exactly what they are doing and who they want to get involved with. They are looking for what they think is long-term financial security. Thats why men in the industry really need to be careful, with the type of woman they get involved with. They have to be very cautious because they have so much more to risk.

Thats why when a man comes across a simple women, who makes it easy for him to just be a man. That man will try to hold on to that woman in some way. When a man takes a liking to a certain kind of woman whether he is single or not. Thats a red flag to a man, because it means that on some level, he is missing that with the woman he is with.

Being attractive and attracted are two totally different things. From my experience and interaction with men. I know that men avoid temptation depending on where they are at in life. They don’t want a woman throwing a money wrench into their life. Let me give you a few examples. When a man finds himself interacting with a woman by any means of communication.

Whether it’s texting, calling, emailing, social media, liking post, commenting. Something is going off in that mans mind that. He is seeking or something caught his attention. I know this because men have told me this and I am very observant. Men have also told me directly or indirectly that they are avoiding me. Men avoid women that they are attracted to. Especially if they are involved and they don’t want to fall into temptation.

Why else would a man avoid having great conversation with a woman or ignore her. Men avoid women they are attracted to in some way, because they don’t want to fall hard. Because when a man is really, really in love with a woman. He wants that love returned. Falling for a woman raises his insecurities in some way no matter how confident he may be or who he is. At the end of the day he is human and he is a man.

When a man falls, which he should really be ascending in love. Because love is supposed to lift you higher, not make you do crazy shit. Thats the down fall of love, not the ascending of love. When a man is in love, there is nothing that he will not do to make a woman happy. Men are not macho all the time, they are really simple and sensitive.

Real men, evolved men. They know their role in a woman’s life. They know that God called them forth to provide for a woman, not just monetarily but on all levels. Real men know that they are leaders. When it comes to relationships, I like the lyrical lines from the song “Do What I Gotta Do.” By Ralph Tresvant. When he says, “Any good relationship starts inside of happy man.

Now if you really pay attention to those words and let it marinate. You will understand exactly what he means. He is saying that men set the tone for a relationship. Now you may not agree and you don’t have to but it’s true. It’s not a sexist statement. It’s not that a woman doesn’t have a say, she does especially when it comes to what she wants and sex but men really set the tone in a relationship.

If a man is not happy, it will throw the whole relationship off. There will be chaos. There will be arguments. A woman will not want to love. It will be hard to love a man who is not happy. Now a woman will try to. We all see how a woman will try to love an unhappy man. It gets her nowhere but heartache and wasted time. She loses herself in the process. Thats because men are natural-born leaders.

When a man is happy with himself and he loves himself and he is evolved on some level, then the woman he is with will know how to respond to his masculine energy. When a man is happy in a relationship It allows a woman to be a woman and not to step into masculine energy. When a man is not being a man, a woman will point this out in one way. The same goes for a woman when she is acting like a man.

Now there are woman out there who understand, the difference between masculine and feminine energy and they have no problem being submissive to that. I see so many women trying to be the man in their relationship and they wonder why they are so unhappy. They wonder why they can’t get what they want, thats because men don’t respond well to a woman acting like a man. Thats his lane that he wants you to stay out of.

When it comes to sex, yes what man doesn’t desire sex, but I find that the majority of men, want a mental connection with a woman. They just do. A man can have sex with a woman who is beautiful and has a nice body but after that its like ok, what else is there to you? Some men do want a friendship with a woman.

On that level you get to know who she is before you make a life long commitment. I don’t think people realize how friendship is the foundation for any long-term relationship or marriage. They get it twisted thinking it’s sex and attraction and it’s not. Yes, be attracted to the person you’re with but that will not carry you long-term, just like material possessions.

When I’m around a man, I just like to chill and watch him do his thing. I don’t have to say or do anything. All I need to do is be peaceful and listen to him. Thats why men want to be around me. Thats why men want me around long-term because they sense my peace and my simplicity. I dated two guys who simply just wanted me around.

They would take me with them to work, they just wanted some positive energy around them. They wanted at the end of the day to have a home cooked meal. Quiet short conversation and for someone to appreciate them  and what they had to offer. One guy begged me to stay with him. I thought he was crazy but I did. He just wanted a loving woman around him. Someone to talk to.

He was busy all the time, working over time and he found a way to fit me into his schedule. He just wanted to look over and see me. He told me that he slept better because of me. I would catch him staring at me while I was reading and it dawned on me, that men want peace when it comes to a woman. We never argued.

On days I stayed home, he would come home to a nice home cooked meal and he loved the fact that I was selfless. Now a days it’s hard for a man to find that simplicity and peace in a woman. Peaceful simple women are out there and its rare because women today just want to much. That a man has to keep searching and searching. Same goes for women to find a good man.

Pretty much at the end of the day be a simple person. Be happy with who you are. Understand the basics of what you require when it comes to being with someone. Make sure that what you ask for you can give that and be that. Because when you think about it, you want someone who  doesn’t make your life complicated. You want someone who makes it easy for you to love them.

Posted in Men.

Things An Asshole Never Tells You Because It Makes Him Vulnerable

Ethan SykesAn asshole is an asshole for a good reason. He’ll never tell you the things that matter. He’ll never speak of his truth. He’ll never have real answers for your questions. I’m Sorry. He never apologizes because he’s an asshole. He thinks he’s too good to apologize for anyone especially those he has hurt…

via Things An Asshole Never Tells You Because It Makes Him Vulnerable — Thought Catalog