Where Ever You Are Supposed To Be, God Will Lead You There

I was thinking about the time I auditioned for this theater group when I was 18. When I found out where the audition was, I said to myself oh no, I do not want to travel 2 hours a day there and back. I went any way but on my way there. I really didn’t think too much about how the audition would go or anything.

My teacher told me that it was a small theater group so I figured, ok, I’ll go but I know they are not going to pick me. I was going through so much at the time, that I didn’t have time to process anything. I didn’t know if I wanted to process anything as I was feeling so numb and just wanted to feel another feeling. Think another thought.

So when I got off the train and I was looking for FACES, it really made me not want to go because of where it was located. I thought about rush hour in NYC, getting home late after school when it got dark. So when I finally arrived, I realized this was a theater group I’d seen when I was a child that I wanted to be a part of 10 years prior. I knew the content they dealt with and I said to myself I really don’t want to be here.

I felt like the issues they addressed, that they would be delving into my personal life. Whether it was something I went through or someone I knew that went through it and I just didn’t want to go there. When I arrived I was the only one there. I said to myself, where is everybody? Then 3 other girls showed up and so did the other improv actors.

So they sat me and the other 3 girls down, explained who they were and what they did. They got up and performed for us, to give us an example to follow. Then they said its time to get up and audition and show us what you got. They performed with us and it was fun since we could improv. I thought ok, cool I can do this. Then it got deep. They gave us a skit about a break up and just told us to go there.

I said internally oh shit! I felt the butterflies in my stomach. I took a breath and was like ok I can do this. So the other actor I was performing with, we just fed off of each other energy. During my audition, It got really intense. I forgot there were other people in the room. As we were moving around the room. I saw the look on everybody’s face when we got back in front of them.

They were staring, they got drawn in. I saw one of the other actress shaking her head yes, giving me this really intense look. Everything that I was going through and felt in that moment. I poured into that scene. It was therapeutic in a way. When I said my last lines which ended the scene. The room was quiet. I thought the scene would continue but it didn’t.

They thanked me and the other girls and said that they would be in touch. As me and the other girls left. The other 3 girls, kept telling me how good I was and where did I learn to act like that. I never took lessons. I told them I never took lessons. I said to them we were all good. They kept saying, no, you were really good, they are going to pick you. I said to them, who knows they might ask all of us back.

I wasn’t comfortable with the spotlight being on me at all. I felt really exposed. I felt really good about the audition but this was only my third one. The other theater groups I auditioned for, which I got positive feedback from, they were close to me but they weren’t funding. I wished in the back of my head they were, because one of the auditions was so much fun, it lasted 3 hours.

The guy that was auditioning with me, we vibed off of each other really well. When we left, we hugged and wanted that part so bad. The program directors really loved us and they just let us have fun and play. When I parted with the other girls at FACES, we wished each other luck and went on our way. I knew in the back of my mind. I gave a really good audition. I was proud of myself.

But still, the distance turned me off. I said to myself, I hope they don’t pick me. I know…strange. Like I said it was the distance. So when I arrived home. I heard the phone ringing. The machine picked up and it was my teacher screaming in the phone. I picked up the phone and all she kept yelling was FACES loved you. They want you. They loved your performance they want you there on Monday. My teacher was so happy for me. She was more happy for me than I was.

You would have thought I hit the lotto by the way she was screaming. In a way I did. I just didn’t know it. I didn’t have time to process what would be taking place next. I didn’t know that God had led me to this place, so that I could do some internal healing. When I observed, behind the scenes their performances, I said to myself, I can’t get up there on that stage. I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.

Everybody in the world is going to know, what me and my family went through. Everybody is going to know I lost my mother and feel sorry for me. And I didn’t want anybody’s pity. What I was feeling was shame, guilt and fear. When I thought about, no one would know. It’s not like they knew me or my family. The first few days I was there I spoke to the theater director.

I explained to her that I wasn’t comfortable with these domestic violence skits. When I saw these two actors perform it. I was like oh shit, this man sounded exactly like my father. I felt like if I performed that scene that I would do to my father what he did to my mother. There was no way in hell, I was going to perform that scene. She understood, as they would not have a performer get on stage and have flashbacks.

They were careful with traumatic experiences. So pretty much for the next few months I played it safe. Not really doing anything intense. I wasn’t really giving it my all. I just thought if I showed up that was enough. I didn’t want to put in the work and be that vulnerable. All I wanted was my 3 credits that I needed to graduate high school so I could be on my way.

So much was going on, I left my father’s house and I was just trying to take care of myself during my tenure at FACES. When the semester was ending, the program director sat me down and said. I have to perform. That if I didn’t perform. I wasn’t going to graduate. It was my turn to perform for the program. I remember sitting in that chair, feeling like I was going to walk out. My stomach started turning.

The director told me to pick a scene. I chose this piece called “Hear No Evil” The other two girls, did “Speak No Evil and See No Evil.” I knew this scene all to well as I’ve seen them perform it so many times. I just had no idea how I was going to get up there and say those words. I thought I was going to have a break down on stage.

The day of my performance I was happy that it was close by, at this university. Ironically it was at the university I auditioned for but they weren’t sponsoring. So when my teacher from the program arrived and all the other students that were in the program got there. I got nervous. What made me even more nervous is when the college students arrived and the auditorium was full.

The other two girls and I, were waiting in the hall until it was time for us to perform. When it was showtime I had to sit down in the middle chair. The girl to the left of me said her monologue and when she finished I knew I was next. I prayed for strength to say those words. I took my hands off my ears and opened my eyes and just went for it. When I said my lines and looked out into the audience.

Everyone was quiet and staring at me. So I looked over at my best friend, the director and my teacher, then back at the audience and I just continued to delivered my lines. When I finished and put my hands back over my ears and closed my eyes, it was time for the next girl to say her monologue. After the performance was over everyone clapped. I was relieved it was over. I just wanted to get off the stage, lol.

Before we left, the audience had questions so we stayed for Q&A. One of the college students had a question and asked how do we prepare for a scene like that? I took the question. My response was “it was very difficult for me to get up here and say those lines as I know women who have been in a domestic violence relationship and I heard those words uttered before. I said I didn’t know if I could do it.

If I could go there. The whole time I’m sitting here. I’m thinking I have to say this. I was thinking what woman in her right mind says these things, makes excuses and blames herself for being abused. But you have women out here who do that. I had to watch my mother go through that and I told my director. I can’t get up here and do this but I’m glad I did. Because it opens up the dialogue.

So many times we stay silent when it comes to domestic violence, feeling ashamed and the problem is not going to go away by being silent. Every day and every 3 seconds a woman is being abused by her boyfriend or husband and some of them don’t even make it out. Some women even die at the hands of their abuser. So this performance is very much-needed even though it’s a vessel through art.”

I knew in that moment, that God wanted me to be in that theater group. He wanted me to be a voice and he wanted to use me as a vessel. I remember feeling very content. Remembering what it was like to be on stage before I lost my mom. That live interaction with the audience, I missed that when I was younger. Whenever I was performing or had a show. I would look to my right and my mother was grinning from ear to ear.

Her love and support was my strength and I didn’t have that once she transcended. I guess I thought I couldn’t do it without her cheering me on. But she was there with me the whole time. Every time I wanted something that I didn’t get. God had something better for me. Some place he was trying to lead me to, because someone somewhere needed to hear what I had to say.

No matter how uncomfortable I was, I simply needed to surrender to his will. The thing about life is, no matter which road you take. You will end up where you need to be. God will lead you there and he will be there. When I said my lines, I felt like I had an angel around me comforting me. The other theater groups, that I wanted but they weren’t sponsoring, that’s because that wasn’t where I was supposed to be. The experience would not have been the same.

I would not have met the same people. I wouldn’t have been begun my own journey when it came to feeling, dealing and healing. Creative fields can be a great platform when it comes to reaching others on a massive scale. Being in the spotlight in any way is not something I welcome, as I am more of a behind the scenes kind of person but if that’s really where God wants me to be. I guess at some point I have to stop fighting it, lol. I guess I have no choice but to submit to his will.

Just Because They Couldn’t Love You, Doesn’t Mean You Aren’t Loveable

img_0519Let me ask you something, when was the last time you looked yourself in the mirror and knew that you were lovable? That you knew you are a beautiful spirit that deserved the utmost love and respect.

That you deserve the kind of love that makes you feel like you are floating on cloud 9. The kind of love that you know you want, that kind of love that makes you want to be a better person.

I get so tired of people thinking that just because the man or woman they loved, that didn’t have the courage to love them back, thinking that they are not lovable. They think that out of all the people on this planet, that that’s the only person who is ever going to love them or that they want love from.

Incase no one has told you, you are lovable. I get it… when our heart wants what it wants it just does. It hard to accept the reality that some people don’t know how to love. Some people are not ready for love. Don’t fret. Do yourself a favor and be glad, they are not loving you. Their half-ass love wasn’t meant for you, because you are not a half-ass person.

They are just clearing room for Mr. and Mrs. Right to come into your life. You know the kind of love you deserve. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot in some ones life and to love you. I don’t know how many times I can say this over and over.

Love is not complicated people are. Relationships are not hard. People make them difficult.

I know unrequited love hurts. It does. We’ve all been there. We express ourself to some one and we use the word LOVE, because we actually mean it, but then the other person kills us with their silence an inaction. I know I’m tired of men telling me they love me and being emotionally unavailable.

I’m tired of men saying they love me, when they haven’t even seen me in person or talked to me in days or months. Some people are in love with the idea of you. They are infatuated. I don’t play with the world love. When I say I love you, I mean it and I back it up. Men not so much so now a days.

The men that tell me they love me after a couple of hours, days or months haven’t really spent any time with me to love me. They are just using the word love to attempt to get what they want. I never believe them. I’m like ok, you used this word, now show it. Then they can’t. They ghost or they forgot they had a wife or girlfriend or kids. It just sounds nice to say in the moment.

Some people expect you to know they love you, when they don’t call you, speak to you, don’t make any effort to see you. Your communication is met with silence. They never want to address your emotions or anything you want to talk about, but yet they claim to love you. When you love someone you communicate. You express yourself. You listen with an open heart.

This can’t be the new love.

When you love someone, you show it. You see them, you talk to them. You make your presence known. You can’t be like….”I’m going to show her how much I love her by not talking to her, ignoring her, not seeing her and giving her any attention or putting in any effort, but I still want her to think we have something and that we’re more than friends.” Really?! Is this the new love??

This is what men are doing now and I’m not really feeling them on this. I don’t have to settle and neither should you. This is why I don’t date. I know that I’m lovable. I know that when I do decide to be in a relationship. I’m going to make some man very happy, because I know how to love. I’m cognizant of why I want to complement someones life and it’s not for selfish reasons.

People who say I love you and don’t show it, they are probably used to saying that word so many times and getting what they want. Some people are in love with the idea of love, then they realize oh shit!! Love is a verb? “Damn, I said I love this man or woman, now I have to show it?” I never knew that was part of love.” Well…. news flash it is!!!!

Don’t let someone who toys with your emotions and heart, that strings you along then doesn’t have the courage to man or woman up and tell you, that there is no you and them. Make you feel like you are not lovable. You had the courage to open your heart, they didn’t. It was easier for them to ghost and ignore you, because they weren’t courageous for the passion that burned deeply inside of you.

Don’t Be Afraid To Dream…Your Dreams Can Always Become A Reality

img_0687Remember when you were a kid? And you use to imagine who you wanted to be?  Who you were going to marry? The house you were going to buy? That car you wanted to buy.

Remember how good it felt? How freeing it was. We’ll do that as an adult. Have that same free spirit and open mind. I know life happens and we grow up and we forget about our dreams. Our passions and hobbies.

But one thing I know for sure is that when God, puts something in your heart..it is never lost. The other day I got caught singing, lol. “How Many Ways I Love You ” by Toni Braxton was playing. The ending was near , which is my favorite part and I just belted out, “how many ways I love youuuuuuuuuuu, yeah ehhh yeah.” I was in the zone..

I wasn’t aware anyone was home. I’m walking though the door and I just had to sing along. I heard “ok Toni” and just laughed at my friend. I’m no Toni Braxton but I love taking on her spirit of music. This isn’t the first time I got caught singing, lol and it’s always in the weirdest places.

I got caught when I was 17, singing Selena, “Fotos y Requerdos” in the lady’s room fixing my hair, lol. I thought I was alone…this lady came out the stall and said ” who was that singing? I said oh me, she said you have a beautiful voice, I enjoyed listening to you. That’s one of my favorite songs.”

Then my friend came out another stall and tried to take credit for it, by saying, “well when you hang out with singers, it rubs off on you.” Yeah she tried to steal my shine. #hater, lol. Every now and then when I’m really feeling a song and the lyrics get deep down in my soul.

I just start singing and someone is always catching me, lol…and then it’s followed by a compliment. Then I’m looking at them like “oh, ok thank you” 😐 with this weird look on my face smiling. Maybe it’s because I’m not aware of my voice, but then I remind myself..

Although I’m a woman…that I’m the same girl, who was in the glee club and in chorus. I was always the first one in music class for almost 15 years. I stopped singing after my mom passed. I never even knew my mom could sing, until I heard her belt out this gospel song one day…

I realized in that moment, my mom had so many dreams, that never came to fruition and that’s why she let me pursue mine and was always supportive. I just lost my passion for it for while. Now if you ask me to sing I might be reluctant, that’s only because it won’t feel spontaneous and I hate being put on the spot. Then I become self-conscious, lol.

It has to flow freely, like my thoughts when I write…..But if you catch me singing, then you’ll be surprised.. I always wanted to see my name on a soundtrack, but not in the spotlight. I’m just not vying for the spotlight…

I keep fighting with God because I think he’s trying to push me out there and I don’t want to go, lol. Because a lot of things I gravitate towards are public. I think maybe in my past life I was an artist according to this test I took, because things I like to do are public and I want to remain private.

If there is something you want in life. Go for it! Do it for you! Share your dreams with people who believe in you. I remember telling an ex I wanted a studio in my house and he said a dance studio, I said no, a music studio and he had this look on his face, like he wanted to laugh but was holding it in.

I stopped talking to him about my aspirations and dreams. Then I got rid of him. Problem solved, haaa haaa 😀…… I realized this man never knew me and that I couldn’t be myself around him. Also that he was in my way. I was never supported by him when I talked about anything good.

When I would book something, he never came to see me perform. Meanwhile I was at every one of his games. That’s not love and support. The sad thing is, some people really do not want to see you shine. They are not moving forward so they don’t want you to surpass them in any way.

My teacher can sing his ass off, I wonder why this man doesn’t have a record deal or isn’t on broadway. selling out concerts. I love to hear him sing, especially Jeffrey Osborne. He can surely hang with the best of them. His vocals are unbelievable, he can imitate anyone. One of his problems is, he’s not with a supportive spouse, she does not believe in him. Nor does she support him.

You already know where this is going. Marriages like this don’t last. We must stop doing a disservice to ourselves by settling and being with people, who don’t believe in us and are not as passionate as we are. Doesn’t mean they are a bad person, they are just not the one whom we should share our lives with. Our partner should be just as passionate as we are.

img_0709If they are not, it will hold us back wether we realize it or not. I remember I was talking about a house and one of my friends kept saying something negative about money. I knew I didn’t have the money to buy this house or to move to an island. I was just dreaming out loud.

I just said to myself damn! I can’t say nothing without this girl shooting down my dream….killing my high. You have people like that, dream killers, emotional vampires. They can’t see a way for themselves having certain things in life.

So they don’t see it for you. Their minds are limited so they project that on to you. It’s just a reflection of who they are and where they are in life. They have no dreams or goals. That’s just living.

Truth is….we can be anything we want and have anything we want in this life, if we work for it. If we dare to dream and imagine it and see it in our minds. That’s the first step. Some people want things at other people’s expense. They love to ride shotgun.

They see how ambitious and how much of a go-getter you are and they want to tag along for the ride, but they don’t want to push the car, if you run out of gas and get a flat tire. People like that, you just have to leave behind. This is why I always support people. Because I know how it feels to have it and then to lose it.

This is why I go hard. If only it was reciprocated because my loyalty to others is not appreciated nor is my love. When people see how much I’m rooting for them, they expect it and feel very much entitled to it. It’s hard to find people who genuinely believe in you and that are selfless and loyal. It’s very rare. When you have a loyal person in your corner, don’t push them away.

If there is a dream in your heart, a song you want to sing and dance to. Just surrender and do it. Go back to when you were a child and just dare to dream. You might surprise yourself. You have to love yourself, have faith and believe in yourself and others will too. There are supportive kind people in the world.

You have to believe that what you want is possible and that God has a plan for your life. You never know where your journey to your dreams might lead you. Who knows maybe one day I will put out a single for me, just to say I did it. Music has always been a passion of mine. What is life without music.

Maybe I will see my name in the credits, whether it’s on a sound track or with my writings. Life is really what you make it…so why not make it the best it can be. You only get one round in this lifetime. Why not dare to dream and then make it a reality. That’s when real living will start and existing will cease. Miracles happen when you believe.

Namaste! God is love! With him all things are possible!

Revisit Your Younger Self From Time To Time

img_0102When was the last time you checked in with your younger self? There maybe something back there in your childhood that you need to revisit. Maybe there was something that you loved to do. That you simply forgot about.

As we get older and life kicks in, we get so busy, life deals us hands that we weren’t prepared for and we just make the best of it and deal. We move forward. But as we’re moving forward, we tend to forget about our past dreams and goals.

That we once had when we were a child or even as a young adult. Of course we cant stay young forever and we know we’re adults. But as we’re being an adult. We forget to be carefree sometimes and dream, like a child. We forget that magic and miracles exist and they are possible.

We think just because our birthday comes around, that we are over the hill and that it’s to late. When in truth and reality it’s not over. We’re still alive, we’re still breathing. You ever see how little kids just use their imagination and creativity. We can learn a lot from these little angels.

We need to remember that we were once young too. We may not be able to go back to that age, but we can always revisit our childhood. Everything starts from there. I know for me, when I was young. I fell in love with the performing arts.

But my life took a detour when I was 14 and I lost my mom suddenly. I thought everything that I love to do and my dreams die along with my mom. I tried to write, sing, dance. But I lost my passion for it. I was devastated, I thought to myself , what am I going to do now. My mom was my biggest supporter and I lost that.

Little did I know…all was not lost. The thing is, that when God puts something in you, it can never be lost. He’ll bring it to the surface again and help you get your passion back for if that’s what you really want.

We are all born with talents and gifts and most of all purpose. It doesn’t matter how many years it took me to find my passion for it again. As long as I got it back, because I prayed for it. That’s what’s most important.

Ask and it is given…..

In my past life I think I was a composer, a performer, according to a test a took. I’m not shocked because of my passion and love for the arts and music. Anything creative touches my soul. What I started to do was revisit those things, that I loved to do when my mom was alive, so at 27, I joined a dance school.

I bought myself a pair of shoes and just went for it. I had fun. I was there 5 days a week after work. Dancing made me feel alive. I felt like I had a piece of my childhood back and a part of my soul, that was put on a shelf for so many years. But I felt born again and it felt so good to be able to express myself through dance.

I remember when I joined people asked me where did I train. I didn’t train anywhere. Yes I watched dance videos. It was just innate. I’ve always had rhythm. I’ve always love dancing, it came naturally. When I hear a beat, I automatically know how to move to it. I can’t really explain it.

It’s like when an artist creates musics and knows the bars and knows when to come in with their melody. Creatives hear differently. I may not be able to become a ballet dancer or performer, but it doesn’t mean I can’t take classes. I don’t want to be a singer in the media, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t still record a song and put it on iTunes one day.

I know ones things for sure, I can still write 😉. Writing as a child always brought me joy and it still does as an adult. To be able to create stories and touch people with words, is a gift and a blessing. Words have the power to uplift people, the way artist do with their music.

If there is something that you missed and loved doing as a child. Don’t be afraid to revisit that part of your life again. Your life is not over. That maybe the very thing that you need in your life, so that you can merely stop existing and start living!

Namaste! God is love !