Held Captive By Music

Music knows it’s held me captive and it has no plans of letting me go now

Music knows the way I feel as soon as I hear that beat drop

It senses my energy and invites me into its world

With music there is no judgement, I can just let go and be myself

Music has me under its complete spell 

I obey music with my mind, spirit and body 

I reach for music all day, every day…. in the middle of the night

Feenin, hungry, thirsty needing that next fix, that next melody and lyric

I need music’s conversation for I feel it’s the only thing that understands me

Music knows I’m an addict, that I try to find ways to have the voice and lyrics inside of me

I want it so bad, I want to drink it and taste it, inject it, cover my body with it

Music can have its way with me at anytime or any place

Music understands me and wants me to be a slave to it

Music knows that I will take on the artist spirit and feel what the artist feel

I can be free, naked and totally uninhibited with music

Music hits all of my erogenous zones and makes my body feel intoxicated

Music loves touching every part my body. Seeing it’s notes on my body like a music sheet

Wondering which part of my body it’s going to play with next

Music loves penetrating the portal of life and playing with my love button

That vibrating sensation is just what music wants

Music loves to take me there even if it’s just for a moment of release

Music knows I never want to let it go and it doesn’t want me to

Music loves to undress me and wishes it had lips so it could kiss me

And taste every part of my body with its lyrics and melody

Music traces it’s lyrics on my skin like braille

When I get high with music, music is very pleased for it knows

It has done its job of bringing me to ecstasy

Music knows I’m addicted but music says, its ok be free because it’s a safe kind of high.

Music loves when I feel sensual and sexy, for it enjoys pleasing me

And knows that I’m in-tuned with its melodies

Music enjoys tantalizing me, it enjoys my sexy moans,

The way my body moves to it’s rhythm, to the instruments

Music smiles for music is very pleased with my reaction

Music sees the lyrics, passion and fire in my eyes reaching to the depths of my soul

Music loves when I repeat certain parts of a song

Then music feels my body pulsate with anticipation of its next melody

Music enjoys the anticipation of my mental climax, for it know my body will follow

Music loves to take my breath away and breathe the lyrics back inside of me

Giving me life over and over again, knowing it’s the only resuscitation I need

Music wants me to always be held captive under its spell

And I want to for as long as I can breathe music in my lungs

But music knows the day will come, when it will have to share me

When it will lead me to another music lover, that can take over

So that I can experience the human part of music’s ecstasy

Music wonders who will this music lover be? I wonder too?

Music will not just hand me over to anybody, music will be very selective 

When choosing to hand me over to another music lover and so will I 

Music knows they must be just as passionate, they have to want to be high

They can’t get jealous of the way music makes me feel

They can’t censor me or music will take me back and keep me to itself

Becoming possessive over me and never wanting to let me go again

Music is selfish and I understand because we get each other

Our love affair is deep and it will another etherial soul to get how music makes me feel

Music knows that not everybody gets music, nobody everybody feels the way I feel

That my ecstasy is rare and doesn’t want to let it go

Music is a bit jealous to let me go, but knows its inevitable

But music knows it will forever dwell in my spirit

While silently sharing me with a new love

Are You Too Much? Too Passionate?

Have you ever had someone tell you, that you are too deep? Too much? Too extra? Or tell you that it’s not that serious?

Well, I have more than I can count and you know what? I know that these people criticizing me, the only reason that they are saying this, is because they are void of passion.

I’m a very passionate woman and I know this trait of mine can be very intimidating to people. I’m always being told, I’m to deep. Keep it short. When I use my brain I use it.

Some people gravitate towards it while others simply can’t, take my passionate intensity. Whenever I express myself about something or someone. I use all of my senses. When I answer a question and give advice.

Theres no such thing as being too much or too passionate.

I’m very passionate about the advice I give with my open heart and my energy. The mind is a very beautiful thing which should be explored passionately. Hearing a persons thoughts about life and their experiences is quite intriguing. To be a passionate person is a great thing, but you have to be careful about where the receiving end of that passion.

At times you will have to guard your passion because not every one you meet, it’s for them. My passion sometimes attracts negativity and people can take your passion for granted. Life is meant to live passionately. When I’m into something or into someone, I give it my all. I become very passionate about loving or else it’s a waste of time and energy.

I was listening to “Your Touch” by Ralph Tresvant and it made me think about, how some of us are not using all of our full senses, when it comes to our relationship with our significant other. How many times do we not see, touch, feel, hear or taste the person that we’re with. That we are not filled with the very essence of their being. Why don’t we look at each other with passion and hunger in our eyes?

Why aren’t we touching the one we love? Why aren’t we making love to their mind,body and soul? Affection in our intimate relationships is very important. So why did this fade? God gave us these senses to use them in every thing we do, but most importantly when it comes to loving someone. When I listen to this song, I’m fully immersed in Ralph’s music and lyrics, as the music makes love to my soul.

The tone of his sensual voice as I let him, take me on a euphoric journey is intoxicating. Feeling those lyrics in my spirit and on my skin. Listening to how passionate and sensual the music is. How much he wants to see her smile and to feel her touch. The look and passion in her eyes and how her smile is connected to the way she touches him is beautiful. Making love starts with your senses first.

This is how one should be, when they love and when they are in love. They should be so intoxicated that they can’t get enough of the person they are with. That person becomes a drug and they can’t wait to get another fix. That’s loving passionately, fearlessly……as if you need the very breath they breathe out, so you can breathe it in, to give you life.

If you aren’t feeling this way, if you aren’t, seeing, touching, tasting, being aromatic of someone and hearing the person you are with. Then you are not fully loving them with all your senses. Love is supposed to make you high and addicted. You’re supposed to love passionately with every fiber of your being and not with half a heart but with your whole soul.

If you can’t love this way, while you’re here on earth then don’t love all. Be full and healed when you choose to love someone. Don’t bring your past issues to new love. Love can open your eyes to the possibilities to so many things. When you know you’re loved and you know that you have someone, who loves you with all they have inside of them.

When they see something in you enough to cultivate it and believe in you. You feel like you can accomplish anything. When you choose to love someone, love them as if it’s never going to hurt. When you make love let yourself go and be totally uninhibited. Love making is freedom… just like music. Let your emotions flow, so you can experience a mind-blowing mentalgasm.

That will turn into a physical one. Really passionately want the person your with. Crave them as if you starving for their love. See yourself in their eyes. It’s very electrifying when someone puts their hands on you and touches your body. It can feel like magic. You feel alive. Don’t be afraid to be passionate and vulnerable. It makes you human and most of all it makes you beautiful.

Where Ever You Are Supposed To Be, God Will Lead You There

I was thinking about the time I auditioned for this theater group when I was 18. When I found out where the audition was, I said to myself oh no, I do not want to travel 2 hours a day there and back. I went any way but on my way there. I really didn’t think too much about how the audition would go or anything.

My teacher told me that it was a small theater group so I figured, ok, I’ll go but I know they are not going to pick me. I was going through so much at the time, that I didn’t have time to process anything. I didn’t know if I wanted to process anything as I was feeling so numb and just wanted to feel another feeling. Think another thought.

So when I got off the train and I was looking for FACES, it really made me not want to go because of where it was located. I thought about rush hour in NYC, getting home late after school when it got dark. So when I finally arrived, I realized this was a theater group I’d seen when I was a child that I wanted to be a part of 10 years prior. I knew the content they dealt with and I said to myself I really don’t want to be here.

I felt like the issues they addressed, that they would be delving into my personal life. Whether it was something I went through or someone I knew that went through it and I just didn’t want to go there. When I arrived I was the only one there. I said to myself, where is everybody? Then 3 other girls showed up and so did the other improv actors.

So they sat me and the other 3 girls down, explained who they were and what they did. They got up and performed for us, to give us an example to follow. Then they said its time to get up and audition and show us what you got. They performed with us and it was fun since we could improv. I thought ok, cool I can do this. Then it got deep. They gave us a skit about a break up and just told us to go there.

I said internally oh shit! I felt the butterflies in my stomach. I took a breath and was like ok I can do this. So the other actor I was performing with, we just fed off of each other energy. During my audition, It got really intense. I forgot there were other people in the room. As we were moving around the room. I saw the look on everybody’s face when we got back in front of them.

They were staring, they got drawn in. I saw one of the other actress shaking her head yes, giving me this really intense look. Everything that I was going through and felt in that moment. I poured into that scene. It was therapeutic in a way. When I said my last lines which ended the scene. The room was quiet. I thought the scene would continue but it didn’t.

They thanked me and the other girls and said that they would be in touch. As me and the other girls left. The other 3 girls, kept telling me how good I was and where did I learn to act like that. I never took lessons. I told them I never took lessons. I said to them we were all good. They kept saying, no, you were really good, they are going to pick you. I said to them, who knows they might ask all of us back.

I wasn’t comfortable with the spotlight being on me at all. I felt really exposed. I felt really good about the audition but this was only my third one. The other theater groups I auditioned for, which I got positive feedback from, they were close to me but they weren’t funding. I wished in the back of my head they were, because one of the auditions was so much fun, it lasted 3 hours.

The guy that was auditioning with me, we vibed off of each other really well. When we left, we hugged and wanted that part so bad. The program directors really loved us and they just let us have fun and play. When I parted with the other girls at FACES, we wished each other luck and went on our way. I knew in the back of my mind. I gave a really good audition. I was proud of myself.

But still, the distance turned me off. I said to myself, I hope they don’t pick me. I know…strange. Like I said it was the distance. So when I arrived home. I heard the phone ringing. The machine picked up and it was my teacher screaming in the phone. I picked up the phone and all she kept yelling was FACES loved you. They want you. They loved your performance they want you there on Monday. My teacher was so happy for me. She was more happy for me than I was.

You would have thought I hit the lotto by the way she was screaming. In a way I did. I just didn’t know it. I didn’t have time to process what would be taking place next. I didn’t know that God had led me to this place, so that I could do some internal healing. When I observed, behind the scenes their performances, I said to myself, I can’t get up there on that stage. I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.

Everybody in the world is going to know, what me and my family went through. Everybody is going to know I lost my mother and feel sorry for me. And I didn’t want anybody’s pity. What I was feeling was shame, guilt and fear. When I thought about, no one would know. It’s not like they knew me or my family. The first few days I was there I spoke to the theater director.

I explained to her that I wasn’t comfortable with these domestic violence skits. When I saw these two actors perform it. I was like oh shit, this man sounded exactly like my father. I felt like if I performed that scene that I would do to my father what he did to my mother. There was no way in hell, I was going to perform that scene. She understood, as they would not have a performer get on stage and have flashbacks.

They were careful with traumatic experiences. So pretty much for the next few months I played it safe. Not really doing anything intense. I wasn’t really giving it my all. I just thought if I showed up that was enough. I didn’t want to put in the work and be that vulnerable. All I wanted was my 3 credits that I needed to graduate high school so I could be on my way.

So much was going on, I left my father’s house and I was just trying to take care of myself during my tenure at FACES. When the semester was ending, the program director sat me down and said. I have to perform. That if I didn’t perform. I wasn’t going to graduate. It was my turn to perform for the program. I remember sitting in that chair, feeling like I was going to walk out. My stomach started turning.

The director told me to pick a scene. I chose this piece called “Hear No Evil” The other two girls, did “Speak No Evil and See No Evil.” I knew this scene all to well as I’ve seen them perform it so many times. I just had no idea how I was going to get up there and say those words. I thought I was going to have a break down on stage.

The day of my performance I was happy that it was close by, at this university. Ironically it was at the university I auditioned for but they weren’t sponsoring. So when my teacher from the program arrived and all the other students that were in the program got there. I got nervous. What made me even more nervous is when the college students arrived and the auditorium was full.

The other two girls and I, were waiting in the hall until it was time for us to perform. When it was showtime I had to sit down in the middle chair. The girl to the left of me said her monologue and when she finished I knew I was next. I prayed for strength to say those words. I took my hands off my ears and opened my eyes and just went for it. When I said my lines and looked out into the audience.

Everyone was quiet and staring at me. So I looked over at my best friend, the director and my teacher, then back at the audience and I just continued to delivered my lines. When I finished and put my hands back over my ears and closed my eyes, it was time for the next girl to say her monologue. After the performance was over everyone clapped. I was relieved it was over. I just wanted to get off the stage, lol.

Before we left, the audience had questions so we stayed for Q&A. One of the college students had a question and asked how do we prepare for a scene like that? I took the question. My response was “it was very difficult for me to get up here and say those lines as I know women who have been in a domestic violence relationship and I heard those words uttered before. I said I didn’t know if I could do it.

If I could go there. The whole time I’m sitting here. I’m thinking I have to say this. I was thinking what woman in her right mind says these things, makes excuses and blames herself for being abused. But you have women out here who do that. I had to watch my mother go through that and I told my director. I can’t get up here and do this but I’m glad I did. Because it opens up the dialogue.

So many times we stay silent when it comes to domestic violence, feeling ashamed and the problem is not going to go away by being silent. Every day and every 3 seconds a woman is being abused by her boyfriend or husband and some of them don’t even make it out. Some women even die at the hands of their abuser. So this performance is very much-needed even though it’s a vessel through art.”

I knew in that moment, that God wanted me to be in that theater group. He wanted me to be a voice and he wanted to use me as a vessel. I remember feeling very content. Remembering what it was like to be on stage before I lost my mom. That live interaction with the audience, I missed that when I was younger. Whenever I was performing or had a show. I would look to my right and my mother was grinning from ear to ear.

Her love and support was my strength and I didn’t have that once she transcended. I guess I thought I couldn’t do it without her cheering me on. But she was there with me the whole time. Every time I wanted something that I didn’t get. God had something better for me. Some place he was trying to lead me to, because someone somewhere needed to hear what I had to say.

No matter how uncomfortable I was, I simply needed to surrender to his will. The thing about life is, no matter which road you take. You will end up where you need to be. God will lead you there and he will be there. When I said my lines, I felt like I had an angel around me comforting me. The other theater groups, that I wanted but they weren’t sponsoring, that’s because that wasn’t where I was supposed to be. The experience would not have been the same.

I would not have met the same people. I wouldn’t have been begun my own journey when it came to feeling, dealing and healing. Creative fields can be a great platform when it comes to reaching others on a massive scale. Being in the spotlight in any way is not something I welcome, as I am more of a behind the scenes kind of person but if that’s really where God wants me to be. I guess at some point I have to stop fighting it, lol. I guess I have no choice but to submit to his will.

Naked…..Love The Skin You’re In

Do you love yourself? I mean do you really love the skin you’re in? I was lying in bed on my micro-plush sheets, just reveling on how good the sheets felt against my naked skin.

My music volume was up and I felt the lyrics traveling on and throughout my body. Hmmm, you didn’t know music could do that huh? Yes, it does but you gotta be naked in order for you to feel it :).

More people should love to be naked but yet some don’t. I never understood that at the end of the day, after your body has been in clothes all day. That when one comes home and relaxes. Then takes a shower.

As soon as you get out the shower you put on clothes again. It doesn’t make any sense. Your skin needs to breathe. Every part of your body needs to breathe.

Once I’m in for the night and someone ask me to go somewhere. I’m actually debating on whether or not should I go. Going out requires me to put on clothes and that just doesn’t sound fun for me, lol. It better be worth it if I have to get dressed, after I just finish freeing my skin. Ok I get that some of you may have kids and you don’t have the freedom to walk around naked like single people.

After the kids go to sleep, lock your door and get out of your clothes, got dammit, lol! Be free! Love the skin in you’re in. Look in the mirror and love the beautiful vessel, that God blessed you with and be good to it too. There is no such thing as the perfect body, if you don’t like the body you have you can always change it.

The body is an amazing machine. Be good to it and it will be good to you. Get naked and look into your soul and just love the image that is staring back at you. If you don’t ask yourself why? We all have our insecurities things we need to work on.

There can be many things going on in our life, that can make us not feel beautiful or sexy in the skin that we’re in. There was a time I didn’t feel attractive. Men, for the longest used to say things about my body and even family members and friends and it made me feel very self-conscious.

To the point that I would try to cover up every chance I’d get. I didn’t notice at times I was doing this until people pointed it out to me. I would go into the store and find something to cover my hips and butt. I would wear baggy pants to cover my legs. I went through my whole Aaliyah phase when I was a teen.

Only wearing a body suit and the rest of my clothes was baggy. Still wanting to be feminine but not draw so much attention. I felt ashamed for being a woman with curves. I wished that I could look like a little girl and felt cursed for developing so quick. I wanted people to see I had a brain. I wanted people to see pass my physical.

When I saw that other women felt the same way and when I saw them embrace their bodies. It gave me the courage to embrace mine. To embrace being a woman. I’m not naive. I know we’re visual creatures but when that’s all people see is how you look, it makes you feel invisible. I had to get to a point where I really felt comfortable in my skin. I had to love myself more.

When it comes to men, I never cared for the attention because it was always negative  with very few positives. I just wanted one person to fall in love, with my naked soul and see that I was beautiful on the inside than out. Being naked is not just about how you look on the outside. It’s about how you feel on the inside which radiates on the outside.

Loving the skin you’re in and being naked makes you feel sensual. It makes you feel beautiful. It makes you feel like a woman! If your blessed enough to have a lover in your life. Sleep naked more. Infuse yourself in each others bodies. Touch each other. Make love without saying a word or without penetration. Look at each other and look deep within each others soul. That to me is ecstasy!

Ladies Relax, It’s Okay To Have Fantasies

Fantasies, things we conjure up in our mind about a specific person or situation. When we have these fantasies we feel elated.

We feel like this specific person or situation takes our mind to ecstasy. It’s a good feeling right? Those pleasure-seeking hormones of dopamine are being released.

We indulge and revel in how good it makes us feel. If fantasies makes us feel so good and it makes us feel like sensual sexual beings. Then why is it that when we have these fantasies, we start to feel bad for having them? How can something so mentally stimulating, that feels so good and imaginary make you feel bad?

Let me let you in on a little secret. Ladies, this is especially for you. Are you listening? It’s okay to have fantasies. Fantasies are healthy! You’re not going to go to hell just because you have a fantasy about a man who is not yours or about a man who’s married. I notice that when it comes to having fantasies A LOT of women and I do mean A LOT of women, feel bad for having fantasies about taken men.

They think that just because he has on a ring that he’s no longer attractive. That since he’s with one woman now, that they shouldn’t desire him. That darn wedding ring is a turn off! Thats why certain artist don’t wear a wedding ring, because it just turns some women off. It kills their fantasy that the person they are in love with, has a significant other when it shouldn’t.

Before I continue, I recall this one actor, that reveal he was married and had a child. When he did, forget it the women were shocked and started hating. The devil came out of these women’s mouthes with negativity, they started attacking him and his wife on social media. They couldn’t believe their crush had a wife. This is exactly why this artist didn’t say anything. He lost followers too.

Now that’s just too drastic. I would never stop supporting an artist, just because they are off the market. It’s not like I’m next in line to be with him. There was never a chance for them. These women are living in a fantasy land if they think they had a chance with said actor. I’m not possessive over any artist, nor am I jealous that they are in love or have a family. They have a right to have someone they love in their life at the end of the day.

Men on the other hand don’t feel bad about having fantasies about women. Why is it that we think men should get a pass or that a woman should remain in a ‘virgin state of mind?

As if women don’t desire sex. As if we’re not sensual sexual beings. When it comes to music and the artist that we listen to, the men that are singing our favorite love songs. We come to fall in love with them.

Their music and who they are mixed with good looks, touches us so deeply that we wonder what it would be like to have music in the flesh. I notice that every time I love an artist and I express how their music makes me feel. I run into a group of women who are very inhibited. When I feel something, especially when it comes to music and how I use all of my senses. I want to express that. I don’t want to hold back.

I’m not going to feel bad about having fantasies over an artist just because he’s taken or has children. So what if I’m never going to have him. I’m not torturing myself by having fantasies and getting in touch with that sensual side of me, that whispers, I’m a live sexual being, that I’m a woman, not a doorknob. These particular artist that are exuding sensuality and sexiness. They know what they are doing?

Why else would an artist take his shirt off or have it open. Why else would he touch himself. He’s doing it on purpose to lure you in and make you swoon and drive you mad and you know what, I love every minute of it. It’s all fun and fantasy. I want to see an artist put on a show and make me feel something, even in a crowd full of other women.

Are we not in tuned with our body or our own sensuality. I feel like when I chat with certain women, these women try act all sanctified as if we are in church. They mention their husband or boyfriend and this is not the place for that. Stop it already you’re killing the vibe. Certain women will go as far as trying to impose their opinion on to others, as if they are wrong for having these fantasies about a married man.

Telling other women that they should not fantasize about a particular artist because he has a wife. That censorship is not needed in these particular groups. When did these particular artist hire a moderator to speak on their behalf? I would like to know, because if these artist did not like the attention,  then why else would they exude this type of behavior on stage?

They are there to put on a show and to thrive off your energy. They love the attention or else they wouldn’t do it. I’m tired of these inhibited women, telling other women that are vocal and don’t hold back, that what they are thinking and feeling is wrong. I guarantee you that if a particular artist wanted these women, they would be like “name the time and the place baby.” They would lift that skirt and drop those panties real quick, if they had the opportunity with no shame or hesitation.

img_2157But yet online you want to act holier than thou. You want to act like you don’t find this man sexy or that you haven’t touched yourself while thinking about him. Yeah ok…. Save it for the virgin diaries!

Theres a time and a place for everything and these fan groups, this is not the place for that. Leave your husband or boyfriend and kids out of this discussion. When I express my love for an artist, I’m not blind, I know the man taken but ask me if I care? No!

The artist knows he’s married, but while he’s on that stage performing he belongs to us, the women in the audience for those few moments. He’s there to make that money and do what he loves. What heterosexual man doesn’t want attention from women? Men like to feel desired. It feeds their ego and we all know that men love their ego stroked.

When I listen to the music, I’m not thinking, oh this man is married, let me stop having visuals of him making love to me. Or else I’m never going to enjoy the music and how it makes me feel. I’ll be judging myself the whole time. Love songs and sexual songs have a certain tone to it, isn’t that why we love music because of how it makes us feel?

I understand some of us have been brought up in the church, where we are told not to lust. So we bring that into everything thing we do. We shun people when they are vocal and don’t think like we do. Lust is healthy in certain variations. Some people just get extreme with it. Lust is healthy in your own relationship. Sometimes when the moment hits you, you just want to screw the hell out of your S.O.

Why are we void without passion and desire? Why do we suppress our sexual desires? I tell women all the time that are taken, whatever fantasies you have about an artist. Wait until your S.O. gets home and take that fantasy out on him and (excuse me, curse word coming up, LOL) F**K his brains out. Men desire a sexual woman. If you wanna go ahead and be a bad girl for your man, go ahead. Be totally uninhibited!

Why feel bad for having fantasies when they are healthy and necessary. When couples stop having fantasies that’s when their sex life is in a drought. Thats when they start seeking something new.

More couples should role-play and do things to keep it spicy and sexy. If you have a fantasy be open with your partner and communicate. If you want him to be a certain artist tell him, but don’t feel bad and insecure, if he wants you to be his favorite female artist.

We are visual specimens. Marriage doesn’t mean being blind to other people. People act like for some strange reason, that when they are in a relationship or marriage, that they don’t find other people attractive. Thats impossible! If you don’t want to look at another individual and find them appealing, you mind as well pack your bags and literally move to another planet.

Because here on planet earth you will encounter other beings that are appealing to the eye. I think somewhere along the line, people forgot how the world was populated. I think they forgot that God created sex. God gave us our senses and we should be using every single one of them, when it comes to being full and whole as a sexual spiritual being.

The mind is a very powerful tool. It vibrates on certain frequencies. Sometimes what you fantasize about you never know. Maybe one day it might come true. So ladies if you love a particular artist express that. Women are always telling me how they feel, when what they really need to do, is express that to the artist, not the fan of the artist. That male artist wants to know how he makes you feel. He wants you to stroke that ego.

That exchange of female sensuality and submission makes him feel good. That makes him feel powerful. When you submit to that, he has you under his spell for a few moments. You’re reminded that you are a woman. A beautiful sensual woman. That artist wants to know that he’s making you horny and that things are moving down there. If they aren’t he’s not doing his job.

It’s his job to mentally stimulate you. You have emotions right, well express them. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad. Just because they are not in touch with who they are, doesn’t mean you should adopt their feelings. The marriage police is not going to come and lock you up for your thoughts.

Expressing ones desires and feeling sensual should empower you, not make you feel less of a woman. Be passionate! Feel beautiful and sensual. If you have sexual fantasies revel in it because they feel oh so good!!

Avoiding Attention: Is It Helping Or Doing More Harm?

img_2023When it comes to attention anyone who knows me, knows that I struggle with it, in any form especially when it comes to my hobbies, work or from men.

I’m not the kind of person who gravitates towards attention, nor do I seek it. I don’t fish for compliments. I’m very low-key. Attention makes me very uncomfortable.

Whenever the spotlight is on me, I do my best to try and deflect the attention on someone else. I know that the reason why I do not like attention, is because it always turns out to be negative attention.

I’m a very passionate person. Being a passionate person is not always positive thing when it comes to the person (s) thats on the receiving end. The very same things, I’m passionate about and the things I love to do. For some strange reason, causes a lot of unwanted attention. I tend to attract psychos for some strange reason because of my passions.

When I write things about an artist whether it’s a musician, actor, poet or sculptor. I write about what their art means to me. I don’t know them personally to feel that way about them. In writing about an artist, the person that I’m writing about, gets engulfed in my world of worlds. They want to know more about how I feel and then they want to know more about me.

Now I don’t have a problem with being myself, anything you want to know, just ask. But the question is, why do you want to know me? What is this going to do for you? In getting to know each other, where are we both going with this? Are we going to work together? I’ve never been able to work for any man in the industry, because it always turns personal for them.

When it comes to men, they want to get to know me, because they want to date me and figure out, if I’m the kind of woman who can fit into their life in some way. They are usually after me for something, whether its to get married, have a baby or money. Or they want the love, attention and support I show them as a fan, on a daily basis, because they never had it before, from other women that they have dated.

So my love for an artist work is being manipulated, for their own selfish reasons. Men don’t want to be with me to support me in any areas of my life. Every time I’m having a regular conversation with a guy and I mention something that I want to do and we just met. They immediately try to devise a plan to try and put a stop to my plans.

By mentioning things that some women might want to hear. Like getting married, babies, materialistic things. When I turn these men down, two things happen, they can’t accept rejection or it makes them want me even more because I don’t care who they are like that. This has shocked me with the people I have met, wondering why they feel this way about me.

I think sometimes that people tend to forget that artist are human beings, it doesn’t matter what they do for a living or how well-known they are. Yes, we fall in love with who they are. We fall in love with a part of them that they reveal to us and in return they fall in love with their fan(s.) I never knew that the people who inspired me, would feel a certain type of way about me.

I just wrote what I wrote and hit the send button. I honestly feel like that if the they hadn’t seen my face that things would be totally different. People are always asking me, why don’t I post more pictures and why don’t I put myself out there more, when it comes to my love life or my career. I’m told that I’m hiding and that I need to stop.

I’m given compliments that I’m a beautiful woman, nice personality and I appreciate that. When I do put myself out there and I write or comment on social media platforms. I’m bombarded with attention that is overwhelming. Sometimes even from both sexes. I love having intellectually stimulating conversations,

But I can’t do that all the time on a one on one basis. So I try to find a way to reach people collectively. I know that avoiding attention could help in some ways, because I enjoy having a simple quiet life. But on the other hand it can be harming me in a lot of ways, because I want to reach people.

I’ve always been opinionated and outspoken. Speaking my mind empowers me. When so many people hold back. I know that I have a way with words when I don’t hold back. I debate whether or not I should say certain thing at times, but it’s how I feel.

I feel like being creative and opinionated is going to throw me into a world, I don’t think I’m equipped to handled. A lot of people want to be famous, they want people to know them. They want that glitz and the glamorous lifestyle and the things that it may come with. I don’t. I want to be able to walk the street or go into a store without people following me.

I’ve met artist that want me to adopt their world and I don’t want to, because I’m not an opportunist. So I ask myself on a daily…attention, is it helping or doing more harm in my life? What level of attention is comfortable? Am I hiding? Am I not confident enough? Can I deal with attention and the likes of people on a broader spectrum? I don’t know.

How does a creative share their gift and still have a low-key simple life? We have google now, and just when we think our private life is safe it’s not. I’ve had my share of people stalking me online and in person. Do I really want to open myself up to that? Putting yourself out there more. It’s really easier said than done. So I don’t know…..

Maybe one day if something positive comes out of being creative, I’ll change my mind and won’t avoid the spotlight. Until then I’ll just continue to express myself. Maybe one day, I’ll get what I want one day and it will be positive. Maybe the negativity will be worth it, a blessing in disguise for whats yet to come. Maybe one day the artist I do want to work with, I’ll have a great experience.

Be The Passionate, Beautiful, Sensual Woman That You Are

img_0559I was listening to an old sensual classic from the 80s, Sign Your Name” by the legendary Terence Trent D’Arby (who goes by the name Sananda Maitreya now). What I love about this song is that its so sensual.

The music alone intertwined with his voice, puts you in a euphoric state. The soul in his voice mixed with euphoric sensuality. It’s so masculine and vulnerable.

Sensual songs like this are in your DNA. The lyrics feel like braille on your skin.

I love artist who connect with their lyrics and music and who feel their music lyrics. Not just sing it. I pay attention to the tone of their voice and where they grab those emotions from, from deep within their soul. I pay attention to the way their body moves when they perform.

I can feel the emotion they feel when they hit a certain note. It’s a beautiful thing to experience, when an artist can catch the spirit of their music and convey that to an audience. When they are in the studio recording and then bring those same emotions, when they are performing live.

I remember auditioning to this song years back when I wanted to be a dancer. I chose this piece to audition to, for it just made me feel so sensual. I connected with the passionate music and lyrics. My dance partner was there to complement me, but it was not his audition.. I just needed his masculine energy there. When it was time for me to do my solo @2:12 to 3:12.

My eyes were pretty much closed the entire time. I just wanted to feel the music. I wanted to dance as if nobody was watching. As I don’t like people watching me, nor do I like being the center of attention. I know…. it’s an oxymoron when you like to be creative or you’re in a creative field.

I remember @3:43 when Sananda says “heeeeeey”. My partner grabbed the small of my back and pulled me close to him. I knew it would be time for him to grab me, but it was different in the audition from the rehearsal. It was more intense. It startled me a bit as I did not know he was near me. He grabbed me like he needed me, like he wanted me.

img_0573The rest of the song we just free-styled but our bodies were in sync. He never let go of my hand, even when I tried to turn my body away from him to spin around. He would still grab me, firmly but gently. I felt so safe. When you dance, you have to trust your partner, that they’ll never let you go. The song ended with him holding my hand over his heart.

It was great to have a dance partner, that could actually dance and move his body with such emotion. To convey those emotions through music, lyrics and through dance. The people holding the audition, I remember the look on their face after we were done. Them telling us what a pleasure it was to watch me dance. They loved how I connected with the music, to the lyrics, and didn’t miss a beat.

I had a visual of this video. How at the end they looked at each other and passionately kissed.When I hear this song, it just makes me feel like a beautiful, sensual woman. Thats what a lot of artist make me feel like. Music and dance can help you connect with your feminine grace. If you want to connect to that part of you, that is sensual. If you want to feel sexy, beautiful. Connect with music.

Some say I’m too much. They can’t take how deeply I feel and how passionate I am. I’ve never been a half ass woman and I’m not going to start. Just because someone can’t take the intensity of my love doesn’t mean I have to stop. I am a very passionate woman. Always have and always will be.

When I hear music that I connect to, I know I need someone in my life who loves and feels just as deeply as I do. I need music in the flesh. I need that masculine vulnerable energy in my space. So that I can be the sensual woman that I am. So that I can exude love and make love with passion.

If you know yourself and you know you are a passionate sensual woman. Don’t hide it. Express that in the space of a man, who will embrace it and not run from it. If you meet some one and they do not exude that type of intense passion and depth. Kindly walk away. When a person doesn’t express themselves, if will make you shut down, especially if its unrequited emotions.

If it doesn’t make you feel like music, then don’t pursue it. I’m not going to apologize for my intense passion. For my depth. Yeah I’m too much, I know.. and I love it. It’s what makes me…me. I feel very deeply. It’s what makes me feel beautiful. It’s what makes me love harder and to give love. My depth helps me to use all of my senses and to be more intuitive towards myself and others.

The energy, the vibration helps me connect and hear the holy spirit. In passion and sensuality there is a call to surrender. I can not shut down my emotions just because someone chooses to suppress theirs. What is love and passion if you can’t love and feel with every fiber of your being.

Hearing those lyrics from this song. It just puts me in a mood, to want to be held, to love, to make love. I want to feel the way I felt at my audition. I know these signals are going to go out into the universe and that the right man, will pick up on my intensity and give me exactly the love and passion that I desire.

We will be drunk off of each others love and passion. If you don’t feel this with the one you are with, then wait for it. Wait for the man who is just as passionate as you are. That will complement your sensuality, that will not be afraid to express himself. Be The Passionate, sensual woman that you are…wait for the man who makes you feel like music.